Seth Rogen, your exceptionally honest Spirit Awards host. (RICK WILKING/REUTERS)

At the Independent Spirit Awards on Saturday, host Seth Rogen proved he’s afraid to be candid for the sake of comedy. As a result, he delivered the opening monologue that Ricky Gervais should have at the Golden Globe Awards.

True, not every joke landed — an “Albert Nobbs”-related gag about how women can get plenty of roles if they are willing to play men fell decidedly flat. And I can’t even reprint his extended riff on Michael Fassbender’s, um, revealing role in “Shame.”

Still, Rogen demonstratd a willingness to poke fun at just about anything — from the value of the Spirit Awards themselves (“Nothing will come from this if you win,” he advised) to Brett Ratner’s ill-advised comments about gays to the Grammys — was impressive, and often very funny. Here’s a rundown of the best lines from Rogen’s Spirit Awards monologue.

On the Spirit Awards set behind him:

“Nothing says independent film like every city’s most expensive building ... This is literally the plot of a Michael Bay movie that’s happening behind me. What happens when the Sears Tower collides with Capitol Records? Who will survive?”

A visual aid that explains the previous joke. (RICK WILKING/REUTERS)

On why he chost to host the Spirit Awards:

“I’m hoping this will help my image. That’s really why I’m doing this. I don’t know what the opposite of selling out is, but I kind of want that to happen.”

On the Spirit Award-nominated films:

“I was committed to watching all of your movies. That’s one of the things you have to do when you host. I made it through the first five minutes of every single one of them. Some of them start pretty slow. I will tell you that right now.”

On the value of the Spirit Awards:

“It really is actually special to be hosting the Independent Spirit Awards because they have the distinction of being the only awards show that is completely inconsequential. Nothing will come from this if you win. Absolutely nothing. Like, you won’t even get ‘Indie Spirit Award Winner’ in front of your next movie. They won’t do that at all. This won’t help you get paid more at all. If anything, it proves you’ll work for nothing, so it [bleeps] you even worse there.”

On why awards season matters:

“Without awards season, how else would the world know how much we appreciate each other’s work? We need to let them know that. Without awards season, we wouldn’t know where Brad Pitt and George Clooney are. It’s nice to see them in social environments. We wouldn’t know the name of Alexander Payne’s publicist, and that would suck. Most of all, without awards season, we wouldn’t know what a horrible bigot Brett Ratner is.”

Oh boy. Here’s more on Brett Ratner:

“That Ratner [bleep] was crazy. It was nuts. Are we really surprised that he said that, though, honestly? Who was like ‘Ratner? I thought Ratner was Mr. P.C. That’s weird.’ ... I honestly bet, though, that Brett Ratner was really wishing that he was organizing the Grammys. Because they seem much more forgiving than the Oscars. You say a few hateful things, they won’t let you within a hundred yards of the Oscars. You can literally beat the [bleep] out of a nominee and they let you perform twice at the Grammys.”

On the movie “Drive”:

“I liked that all the villains were Jewish. I thought that was really cool. Albert Brooks and Ron Perlman are, like, horrifying in that movie ... that movie made Jews look so scary, I thought Mel Gibson directed it.”

On “The Descendants”:

I love “The Descendants.” I now know what George Clooney would look like at a Jimmy Buffett concert, so that’s pretty awesome. The answer: pretty [bleeping] sexy. Still pretty sexy.”

It’s crazy, because the whole time it’s bulding up: who is this [man] that she’s cheating on George Clooney with? And then it turns out it’s Shaggy from ‘Scooby-Doo.’ What a misdirect. That was great.”

On “The Artist”:

“’The Artist’ is [bleeping] winning every single award on Earth, huh? How is that happening? Seriously — it’s kind of bull[bleep], to be totally honest. I thought we created the whole foreign-film category to stop this [bleep] from happening. . . . Did we learn nothing from Roberto Benigni?”

On Elizabeth Olsen

“It’s been a great year. I learned there’s a whole other Olsen. I found that out this year. Where have they been hiding her? Come on, she’s the best one! It’s crazy. I can't believe she was the mistake.”