The 2011 American Music Awards went pretty much as planned last night.
Nobody fell, Adele was barely mentioned (even though she won Favorite Pop/Rock album, Favorite Pop/Rock Female Artist and Favorite Adult Contemporary Artist and is, you know, the top selling artist of the year), and Taylor Swift looked surprised a lot. So, big night!
Among the evening's top winners: Swift (Favorite Country Album of the Year, Favorite Female Artist, Artist of the Year), Bruno Mars (who semi-upset Justin Bieber as Favorite Male Artist, Pop/Rock) and Nicki Minaj (Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Artist and Album).
The winners are based mostly on sales, so they are practically predetermined. The performances were the thing. Many were awful, few were dull. (Celebritology has picked out the five weirdest moments.)
Some things we learned from watching last night's AMAs, otherwise known as Music's Least Crucial Awards Show™:
In 2011, DJs really do rule the world. The dance floor part of it, anyway.
David Guetta opened the show on the turntables while Nicki Minaj, dressed like an extra from "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome" except with weird, porthole-shaped holes in her derriere, performed a kick-butt "Turn Me On/Super Bass" medley. The camera quickly cut away from Guetta for most of the rest of the performance, because DJs are boring. Especially compared to giant, smoke-shooting robots.
When Joseph Heller said "Every change is for the worse," he was talking about Justin Bieber's voice.
And why, as one blog commenter pointed out, did he (Bieber, not Joseph Heller) look like he was wearing a set of Venetian blinds?
He usually excels at awards shows, but this performance, which found him morphing from R. Kelly, Jr. to his usual Baby Michael, emphasized the derivative nature of his music. And is there some sort of unspoken rule that if Chris Brown shows up for an awards show, Rihanna doesn't? Do their people coordinate? Is that why she wasn't there, even though she was a nominated artist (for Favorite Soul/R&B Album — she won) and her album drops tomorrow? I don't know. I'm asking.
It started out promisingly, with Lopez transitioning from a somber, Maxfield Parrish-like creature to a jubilant, nude bodysuit-clad dancefloor conqueror, an obvious wink to her personal difficulties. But between the leopard print and the sparkles and the cape and the hair extensions and the trembly-lipped faux breakdown and the furry-legged stilt walkers it was just too much. And when she fake-drove that Fiat onstage, in tone-deaf homage to her endorsement deal with the car maker? Just…ugh.
He delivered the best, most understated performance of the night with little in the way of background spectacle, wearing a hoodie and jeans. Why did J. Lo perform 47 different times and Drake only once? Who do you think will sell more albums this next week, by a factor of about 700?
Taylor Swift is basically faking being surprised, at this point.
It's hard to blame her. She can't seriously be shocked that she's always winning, right? But she's too nice to act like she expects it every time, even though she surely must. So what is she supposed to do, America? WHAT IS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO?
Twitter is almost always right. Especially when it comes to Ryan Tedder.
The OneRepublic frontman's performance was almost universally panned. Many tweets referenced Kelly Clarkson, a former collaborator with whom Tedder had publicly squabbled. "This One Republic performance would be better if Kelly Clarkson would run out and tackle Ryan Tedder," someone tweeted. True! But you could say that about pretty much any OneRepublic performance.
All those times they flashed to T-Swift and Selena Gomez singing along in the audience? They were faking knowing the words sometimes.
Skeptical? Check the video (starting at 5:10)
You are not a bad person because you found yourself wishing JLo would drive her Fiat right into LMFAO.
She could have taken out David Hasselhoff while she was at it.