When you wear the clothes from the 1791 line, you will gesture too! (NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/GETTY IMAGES)

If you like your jeans, but your first thought on putting them on in the morning is, “Man, these jeans are fine and all, but I wish they were MORE DIRECTLY TIED TO AMERICAN GREATNESS,” then Glenn Beck has the clothing line for you.

The promotional video alone says it all.

If you wear these jeans, you will be able to weld things on ice. You occasionally will use proper welding safety equipment, but to indicate that you are not surrendering your manhood or patriotism to do so, it is covered in Patriotic Designs. You are not welding just any old things. You are welding giant metal rockets. The rockets may not launch. Setting fires on the ice may be unsafe. You will run away from them as fast as you can. No matter.

What matters is that the jeans you are wearing are American jeans. Made in America.

You wear them for the greater glory of America. They evoke the days when we put a man on the moon. They remind you of locomotives. Nothing says, “These are great jeans” like “Every time I wear them, I think of locomotives.”

You are a rugged, bearded, welding white male. If you weren’t before, you became one the second you put on the jeans. You are standing on ice. You weren’t before. Before, you were in a department store somewhere, but now you are standing on the ice, over a bear that you killed with your own hands, using only your Sacred Honor and six copies of the Bill of Rights. That is the power of AMERICAN JEANS! YOU ARE SHOUTING! YOU CANNOT STOP SHOUTING!

(The jeans come in two different, reasonably priced, styles.)

You can also buy shirts with buffalo and flags on them, posters of Frederick Douglass and other T-shirts that say “I AM GEORGE WASHINGTON.” You can buy polo shirts with tiny “Death To Tyranny” shields where the horse ought to be. You can even buy a shirt that says “Come & Take It,” which is, I think, referring to the flag, but when you take the graphic into consideration, looks like you will fight to the death to protect an elaborate pepper grinder.

If a regular buffalo shirt is insufficient, you can get one that says, “One Town. One Country. One God. 1791” inside the buffalo. It is, according to the site “wicked soft.” That is good. You would want nothing less from your Opinionated Buffalo shirt.

The jeans include one design with “GENEROUS ROOM” in them, as well as a straight-cut version. But more important, they were made here, in AMERICA, no doubt by live bald eagles in a right-to-work state.

Jonathan Capehart has thoughts on the overall design of the jeans.

I defer to him.

All I know is that most fashion makes a statement. “1791” says, “I am the sort of person who would wear Glenn Beck’s clothing line” and then blasts patriotic music at you very loudly until you stop asking it any more questions. Really, what else does any garment need to say?

Update, 11:41 AM 10/16: A sharp-eyed reader noted that the ad was on salt flats, not ice! In other words: this is even better than I thought! Also, I should probably get out of the city.