The Washington Post

A history of the world, by Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich is back on top of the Republican pack. First, at such a critical time for Floridians, let’s peer inside his mind.

I made this in MSPaint earlier.

But Newt is mainly famed, according to Newt, for his prowess as a historian. Fortunately, I was able to get a glimpse of one of his works, a timeline of the history of the world.

A HISTORY OF THE WORLD, by Newt Gingrich

0 AD: Birth of Jesus. A pretty good guy, but no Newt Gingrich.

476 AD: Rome falls. Newt Gingrich could have averted this.

1215: The English wisely take Newt Gingrich’s suggestion to write the Magna Carta.

1492: Newt suggests, winking, that Columbus sail the wrong way to India, “where I think you’ll find something very interesting.”

1533: Henry VIII decides to take the same number of wives as Newt Gingrich.

1602: Gingrich writes “Hamlet.”

1776: Inspired by “A Nation Like No Other” by Newt Gingrich, available now in hardcover on for just $11.25, the Founding Fathers write the Declaration of Independence.

1789: Newt’s suggestion that Marie Antoinette offer people cake does not go over with the French people as planned. Newt is bewildered (”“I’m always delighted to be offered cake.”)

1858: Newt Gingrich suggests a neat idea for debate formats to Lincoln and Douglas.

April 14, 1865: Abraham Lincoln ignores Newt’s advice to “stay home from the theater tonight, Abe, and read one of my books for self-improvement.”

1876: General Custer also ignores Newt’s advice.

1876: Alexander Graham Bell invents a great device that, later, will enable you to receive a robocall complaining about something Mitt Romney did.

1903: Wilbur and Orville Wright put one of Newt’s best ideas into practice, although they have to remove Newt from the plane to achieve liftoff.

1944: Eisenhower takes Newt’s suggestion to land troops at Normandy. Newt cannot accompany them as he is too busy killing Hitler.

1969: Neil Armstrong slowly begins putting Newt’s plans for a moon colony into practice.

1989: Newt knocks down the Berlin Wall.

1990: Newt tells Al Gore how to invent the Internet.

1995: The Best Speaker of the House of All Time takes office.

2013: President Newt Gingrich issues in a new era of peace, prosperity and moon colonies.

2045: Newt Gingrich is canonized, in what he describes as a “uniquely humbling experience for a great man of intellect and letters who has done what no other man in human history could have done because of his rare gifts.”

2060: Newt Gingrich defeats the Antichrist in a series of eight-hour marathon debates, issues in a new millennium of prosperity and revives entire economy on the strength of sales of his 19,568,020,836th book.

2100: Newt Gingrich ascends to heaven. Jesus respectfully gets up so that Newt can be seated.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".


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