A last-minute primer for the New Hampshire primary


The winner! Unless, as usual, something goes horribly wrong... (BRIAN SNYDER/REUTERS)

Q: What’s happening in New Hampshire?

A: New Hampshire has the First In The Nation primary today!

Q: Then what was all that stuff in Iowa about?

A: Beats me. You’d have to ask Rick Santorum.

Q: I thought Iowa was the make-or-break state where Real Americans picked our Republican nominee.

A: That is the trouble with Real Americans. There are so many of them. And they all want to pick the Republican nominee. Now it is New Hampshire’s turn. They are the First in the Nation, if only because First Primary In The Nation Except For Iowa Which Was A Caucus Not A Primary didn’t really have the same ring to it.

Q: Who is going to win?

A: Mitt Romney.

Q: Why?

A: If there’s one thing Mitt Romney has in spades, it’s the quality of “electability.” Broadly defined, electability means that a lot of people will say, “But he’s definitely the most electable,” while not voting for you.

Q: Yet you think he’ll actually win?

A: Sure. Who else are voters going to pick? Herman Cain is gone.

Q: But Newt Gingri­. . .Yeah I see your point. But Jon Huntsman has been campaigning there for so long!

A: The thing about Jon Huntsman is that he has all of Mitt Romney’s impeccable coiffure and more than all of his ability to relate to voters, but none of his Vast Reserves of Money. Also Jon Huntsman’s daughters keep making strange videos.

Q: Is there any way Mitt Romney wouldn’t win?

A: Well, if there’s anyone who is known for his ability to wrest defeat from the jaws of victory, it’s two-time Presumptive Nominee Mitt Romney. But this time he really seems to have things under control. (Touch wood, or something wooden, like Mitt’s general demeanor.)

But something could always go wrong.

He could peel off his face and reveal that he’s been Rick Santorum all along. Iowa voters loved Rick Santorum, but New Hampshire voters see him as Just One More Guy In A Sweater Vest Who Wants To Talk About Gay Marriage, and that’s the last thing they need right now.

Still, short of announcing that he and Rick Perry wanted to get gay-married this instant, but first convert all New Hampshire dwellers to Mormonism, shoot a bald eagle, and implement Sharia law, he’d really have to work hard to lose. It’s all about the economy this time, and he’s been strong about creating jobs.

Unless he said something really asinine about wanting to fire people . . .

Q: He said that yesterday.

A: Well, then it’s anyone’s race.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".

opinions

Success! Check your inbox for details. You might also like:

Please enter a valid email address

See all newsletters

Comments
Show Comments
Most Read

opinions

Success! Check your inbox for details.

See all newsletters