Tennessee has come under fire, of late, for a new, vague, abstinence-focused bill. The bill bans sex-ed teachers from talking about what its advocates called “gateway sexual activity,” prompting opponents to nickname it the “no-hand-holding bill.”
Gateway sexual activity? I have no idea what this means.
Here are some other behaviors I assume fell under that heading.
● Blinking with an eyepatch.
● Hitting on gates.
Saying, “Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!”
This is encouraged.
● Being Ryan Gosling.
● Texting after midnight.
● Sitting on the roof after a party and talking and talking about the stars and dreams and, you know, stuff.
● Watching “Game of Thrones.”
● Doing any dance but the polka, with a special exception carved out for slow, sensual polkas that made lawmakers uncomfortable.
● Touching the braid of a Naavi.
● Making whoopee.
● Asking people up to see your etchings.
● Reading “50 Shades of Grey” over a stranger’s shoulder on the subway.
● Making eye contact.
● “Hooking up,” in any sense of “hooking up” that doesn’t mean “actually having sex” because obviously that part is covered by the law.
● The bases.
● Whatever that thing was that Bill Clinton did.
● Boombox-holding outside windows.
● Sheep-herding together for that one summer on Brokeback.
● Not being a prokaryote.
● Teaching sex education.