The Washington Post

Bachmann to the future — with birth certificate!

Michele Bachmann wants you to know that she was born this way.

Not knowing where the shot heard ‘round the world was fired. In America!

“I think the first thing I would do in the first debate is offer my birth certificate so we can get that off the table,” she told radio host Jeff Katz last week.

Oh come on, Michele Bachmann. First, you told New Hampshire that it was where the “shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord.” And now you’re throwing the certificate at us, as though this were actually an issue.

I am sick and tired of it. Really, everyone?

I don’t understand how this is still a subject of discussion. I’ve seen the statistics — apparently, thousands of people still believe that the president is from Somewhere Else. I know you can fool some of the people all of the time, but I was hoping we wouldn’t reach a point where elected officials like Bachmann would have to keep saying asinine things like this! “Oh, he won’t bring out his birth certificate and parade it through the town square. He won’t introduce it to my parents! He won’t have it fingerprinted and brought in for questioning! It must not exist!”

It's just silly.

This is as though I were to say that Michele Bachmann was a witch from outer space. “I’m definitely neither of those things,” she would respond.

“Great!” I’d say. “Then you will have no problem with this probe to see if you are carbon-based and the ducking we have planned for later.”

“Actually, I do have a problem with that,” she’d say, sensibly.

“Ohhhhh,” I’d respond, ice forming on my upper slopes. “I guess we just have to take her word that she’s not a xenon-based space witch,” I’d tell the news media, sighing noisily and looking sort of aggrieved.

“The reason you can tell I am neither of those things is that this suggestion is, frankly, asinine,” she might say.

“Asinine, huh?” I’d say. “That sounds like a word an alien witch WOULD use.”

Shot heard round the world? Change one letter, and that’s all this birther pandering.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".


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