The Washington Post

Biggest disappointments of the iPhone 5

But is it capable of love? (David Paul Morris/BLOOMBERG)

The only trouble is that every few seasons, we expect actual magic. Steve Jobs trained us well. We salivate on Twitter. We watch the announcements, rapt. If the actual Messiah came to Earth right now, we would hush him so as not to interrupt the announcement of product specs. Did you say the iPhone 5 is just 7.2 millimeters thick?

Tim Cook’s presentations have been pleasant tales of upgrades but they offer no magic. After scanning apparently hundreds of ears, they have redesigned the earbuds! All right. Now we can take panoramic pictures! Okay. Turn-by-turn directions, out loud! All our friends’ phones already have those.

The iPhone 5 has a bigger screen. It’s thinner. It’s faster. If we showed it to anyone born before 1800, we would be burned at the stake as a witch. But it only does things we already knew we wanted, better. What’s the point in that? Where are the gratuitous holograms?

Here are several complaints about the new iPhone 5.

● Siri still incapable of love.

● Lacks replicator.

● Does not allow you to upload soul, memories.

● Still works as phone, for some reason (although in its defense the reception may still be awful.)

● Won’t dice vegetables using lasers.

● Still not drop-into-toilet-resistant.

Where’s Clippy?

● Fails to resolve question of whether predestination or works played greater role in ultimate salavation.

● In spite of build-up, still not a suitable wedding date. (Looks weird in tux.)

● Won’t tell us if Shinichi Mochizuki has provided a satisfactory solution to the ABC conjecture or not.

● Still incapable of babysitting your kids so that they grow up into well-adjusted adults.

● Not a kitten.

● Refuses to provide accurate critiques of outfits.

● Not a flying skateboard. (No one was expecting it to be, but this item always makes it onto lists of futuristic disappointments.)

● Where is my jetpack? (Ditto.)

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".


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