The Washington Post

Chuck Norris facts, updated

Here he is. (Frederick M. Brown/GETTY IMAGES)

After all, if Chuck Norris and his wife promise 1,000 years of darkness but fail to deliver, I think the Chuck Norris mythos will take a severe hit.

Here are a few new facts about Chuck to add to the pile, updated in light of new information:

●Chuck Norris never learns. He already knows! He endorsed Newt Gingrich!

●When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris, asking him to pledge to deny Ulysses S. Grant a third term.

●There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

●Chuck Norris doesn’t quote. Chuck Norris traveled to the past and dictated those words to Edmund Burke so he could use them later.

●Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Understandably, he feels no great urgency when it comes to President Obama’s health-care reforms.

●Chuck Norris could raise the debt ceiling by roundhouse kicking it. He just chooses not to.

●Clint Eastwood’s chair wasn’t empty before Chuck Norris.

I thank the Internet for most of the original forms.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".

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