I celebrate myself and sing myself. (screengrab via Current TV/screengrab via Current TV)

In their letter, Current TV Founders Al Gore and Joel Hyatt noted that Current was founded on “respect, openness, collegiality, and loyalty to our viewers. Unfortunately these values are no longer reflected in our relationship with Keith Olbermann and we have ended it.”


There are many mistakes in this statement. First, “viewers” should not be plural. Also, what on earth were they thinking, hiring Keith Olbermann, if their values were respect and collegiality? This is a man who cut his teeth, if that’s the phrase I want, on tirades proclaiming people the “Worst Person in the World.” What did they think they were signing up for?

But Keith Olbermann’s statement takes the statement cake.

This is an apology? Or did I fall asleep, unbeknownst to myself, for several years while we redefined “apology” as “a self-aggrandizing statement that admits no wrongdoing”?

At least this is how it sounded to me. I have provided a translation below.

I’d like to apologize to my viewers and my staff for the failure of Current TV.

Translation: Current TV has just fired me.

Editorially, Countdown had never been better. But for more than a year I have been imploring Al Gore and Joel Hyatt to resolve our issues internally, while I’ve been not publicizing my complaints, and keeping the show alive for the sake of its loyal viewers and even more loyal staff. Nevertheless, Mr. Gore and Mr. Hyatt, instead of abiding by their promises and obligations and investing in a quality news program, finally thought it was more economical to try to get out of my contract.

Translation: I am perfect and golden.

But somehow, I have no job now.

Clearly, this is Current TV’s fault for being a bunch of lying fools and trolls who do not appreciate me.

These are not viable working conditions. Everyone knows that to invest in a quality news program, you must demolish your offices and rebuild them as a monumental shrine to Keith Olbermann, filled with golden calves, high-heaped altars of burning incense, and nubile priestesses chanting, “Hail Keith! Hail Keith! Keith is always right! Keith can vacation the night before Super Tuesday! Who wouldn’t? Hail Keith!”

Current TV, in its infinite idiocy, was not willing to make the necessary investment.

I will be suing them later for the golden slippers they insisted on repossessing, and for emotional damages.

In conclusion, I am a beautiful golden daffodil.

It goes almost without saying that the claims against me implied in Current’s statement are untrue and will be proved so in the legal actions I will be filing against them presently. To understand Mr. Hyatt’s “values of respect, openness, collegiality and loyalty,” I encourage you to read of a previous occasion Mr. Hyatt found himself in court for having unjustly fired an employee. That employee’s name was Clarence B. Cain.

Translation: I am always right.

In fact, God often consults me.

Everyone who says anything negative about me is wrong. That goes without saying, but it sounds so beautiful when I say it. Everything sounds beautiful when I say it. Watercress. Cellar door. Xenophobia. Septuagent. Lenticular. Wolf.

If God had put me in charge of making the world, I would definitely never have spent resources on anteaters. Those are a waste of time and funny-looking. Like Al Gore. He is the Worst Person in the World and Current TV is the Worst Station in the World. They are six spots to the left of me on the evolutionary scale, if not seven. This is not opinion. This is fact, like everything I think.

In due course, the truth of the ethics of Mr. Gore and Mr. Hyatt will come out. For now, it is important only to again acknowledge that joining them was a sincere and well-intentioned gesture on my part, but in retrospect a foolish one. That lack of judgment is mine and mine alone, and I apologize again for it.

Translation: I am always right.

Also, I am never wrong. Al Gore is literally Satan, and I am well rid of him.

My only mistake was in trying to work with anyone who is not myself.

I may never work with any non-me people again. Not because no other employer will touch me with a 10-foot pole. But rather, because I am completely flawless, like a shining, perfect, diamond of joy and wonder, and so few people are capable of grasping that.

Sorry I’m not sorry.