Donald Trump doesn’t like the vibes in the Koran. He admits he’s no expert, but he feels that it must be giving off a negative vibe of some kind.

That’s one way of putting it, I guess.

Admittedly, no holy text is very big on the positive vibes. If you’re walking away from a holy text feeling good about yourself, chances are you missed a spot.

So I’m not sure what he’s comparing it to. Maybe the Bible, right between the bits about smiting?

Sure, the New Testament comes along eventually with all those admonitions to turn the other cheek, but that’s after generations and generations of people wandering around sinning and checking for plagues before they crossed the desert. When I was a child, I used to bother my Sunday school teachers by asking questions like, “I just read a pamphlet on unstable relationships, and it seems like God is displaying many of the characteristic signs of an abuser, for instance a track record of sudden, devastating anger and smiting, followed by unstable lulls, and then, just as you are about to get out of the relationship entirely, suddenly promising that everything will be different.” No one ever took this objection as seriously as I had hoped, which they admittedly shouldn’t have because of centuries of theology that are too complicated to go into now.

Still, Trump says he’s a churchgoer. “Always on Christmas. Always on Easter. Always when there’s a major occasion. And during the Sundays. I’m a Sunday church person. I’ll go when I can.” At that rate of churchgoing escalation, soon Trump would have been discovered to be walking around in a hair shirt at that very minute and praying constantly.

But maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe he is mistaking church for the Trump Tower. It is easy to see how one might make a mistake like that, since Donald Trump has given no indication of not thinking that he is God. He can make edifices rise and fall. He can give life — or take it away — simply by pointing his finger. That isn’t hair. It’s a tri-radiant nimbus!

Still, all this seems a bit wacky. I thought the space cadet du jour was supposed to be Yuri Gagarin, not Donald Trump. But, as usual, Donald is taking the cake and running with it. As a general rule, when someone appears on the Christian Broadcasting Network for an interview, he suddenly finds himself making all kinds of bizarre pronouncements about the vibes he is getting from holy books or about how he only cheated because he loved his country so much. Perhaps it’s the air in the studio.

But at the rate Trump’s going, I know what I’m praying: that the next headline I see will be “FBI releases Roswell memo about three bodies of human shape. All three announce that they have formed presidential exploratory committees.”

“Thank heavens!” I will exclaim. “Someone possibly sane!”

Unrelatedly, Mitt Romney’s in the race now!

I don’t know much about Mormon theology, but I can’t wait to hear what vibes Trump gets.