Q: Wait, Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.) is resigning?
Q: I thought he had resigned decades ago.
A: No, that’s what you or I would have done in his position. But now there is an ethics investigation occurring, and those are usually good times to resign, similarly to how those things that live under your kitchen cabinet will opt to remain there until someone decides to clean under the cabinet.
Q: Are you comparing the things that live under my kitchen cabinet to Sen. Ensign?
A: Of course not! Besides, I can see why Sen. Ensign would have thought it was all right to stay. David Vitter once engaged in an encounter with a prostitute, and he is still very much engaged in Congress. Not sexual congress, the regular kind.
Q: If that’s so, why did Christopher Lee resign so quickly? He was still mostly clothed in those photos.
A: I don’t know. I assume it had to do with the Eye of Sauron.
Q: So Easter is coming up. What is Easter?
A: I am not entirely certain. My best guess is that it celebrates the day Jesus transformed into a magical egg-laying rabbit. But I haven’t seen “Hop” yet.
Q: Is there a religious component to this holiday?
A: Well, it does fall during Passover.
Q: What’s Passover?
A: It’s a time when you celebrate the fact that your ancestors survived some Pharaoh-related challenges thousands of years ago by going on an oddly specific variant of the Atkins Diet.
Q: That sounds complicated.
A: There were also plagues, but I didn’t want to go into those and spoil 2012 for you.
Q: The movie?
A: No, the year.
Q: Is it also Earth Day?
Q: How can I celebrate?
A: Celebrate is not the word. Try replacing strangers’ light bulbs, apologizing to pelicans for the oil spill and not using the Internet.
Q: That doesn’t sound fun.
A: You want fun, buy a Nissan Leaf. Earth Day is about telling the Earth how sorry we are for all the things we put it through, maybe by giving it a nice sensitive card, provided that the card was not made from trees or non-biodegradable materials or required energy of any kind to make. On second thought, just say thanks in person.
Q: It sounds like Mother’s Day.
A: That’s true. Except that, unlike your mother, the Earth will not pretend to be impressed if you give it a macaroni necklace that you made in art class this morning.