What's a day without coffee?

Every so often someone in a lifestyle magazine tries to make us rethink our caffeine habits by observing that “For the money you spend on coffee every year, you could buy eight designer bags!” Now when anyone gives me the chance to buy eight designer bags, I quail. “Are you kidding me?” I say. “For the price of these, I could consume twice as much coffee annually!”

National Coffee Day should be a holiday. There ought to be parades. There ought to be tributes.

If you don’t think coffee matters, consider. In Biblical times, when no one drank coffee, a woman named Judith killed a man with a tent-stake. In 1066, when coffee had yet to reach that part of Europe, William the Conqueror stormed over to England and seized a large swath of territory, and he did so very grumpily. Some say that beauty killed the beast. I say that it was the fact that King Kong never drank coffee in his life.

More recently, the Census Bureau released a memo complaining that workers are falling asleep in the middle of the office, and it seems unprofessional.

“Sleeping on the premises is not acceptable behavior,” the memo noted. “It is manifestly unprofessional and creates an impression of carelessness, which unfairly impugns the hard work of the entire Census community. Moreover, such behavior can lead to safety problems in the event of an emergency.”

There’s only one solution to this, and it’s dark and contains high levels of caffeine. Not to say that the Census Bureau is not a fascinating, pulse-pounding workplace that generates as much adrenaline as watching a Jason Statham movie while diving from a plane, but — well, this is why they invented coffee!

Studies have found that the more coffee women drink, the more they reduce their risk of depression. I’m on my fifth cup today!!!!1!! “That’s probably plenty,” my co-workers murmur. But why take the chance? Sylvia Plath drank fewer than five cups a day, and look what happened to her! Meanwhile, I am ebullient! I am shaking with glee! Or with something!!! I am so ebullient that people think I am about to have some sort of seizure! Earlier today I cleaned every surface in the whole office, and someone asked me to join a study group of my peers, whose other members all turned out to be cocaine-addled rats.

Coffee is the tie that binds us. Garfield has become a popular national comic strip, even though it contains nothing that can be reliably identified as a joke, simply on the strength of the fact that its protagonist is a cat who hates Mondays and loves lasagna — and coffee.

Coffee keeps us happy and allows civic life to function. Case in point: I drink lots of coffee, and to my knowledge, I have never assassinated anyone.

We like our coffee like we like our men — half-off, today, thanks to promotions at 7-Eleven. We like our coffee like we like our men — in large quantities. That’s why Christie might have to run.

You think those were dinosaurs? That was just how the Earth looked before its coffee.

My point is, Happy Coffee Day.

If you need me, I’ll be off somewhere never sleeping again.