The Washington Post

From Bain to the Reagan blood, a bad week for vampire capitalists

Even Abraham Lincoln is being enlisted in the hunt for vampires. (Stephen Vaughan, 20th Century Fox)

First President Obama runs an ad in which former steel workers call Bain a vampire because “they came in and sucked the life out of us.”

I got a few indignant phone calls from the vampire lobby complaining that “while it is true that this is what vampires do in some cases, in other cases, a vampire’s bite can prevent you from ever dying and give you new energy you never thought you had.” There was a meditative pause, “Of course, sometimes this immortality requires you to keep strange hours. But this is the global economy!”

“It is 4 a.m.,” I said. “How did you get this number?”

Then I heard what sounded like a heavy lid slamming.

Later I got a follow-up e-mail pointing out that this has been a rough few years for vampires. They have been portrayed in popular culture as manipulative, overprotective boyfriends with bad skin, pay-cable sex fiends and/or as Johnny Depp As He Looks In Every Film These Days.

I suggested they e-mail the Romney campaign and point out that the ad angle, “Bain Capital — like a vampire, but in the good way!” was not taken. I have yet to hear how this went.

The only bright spot for the bloodsucking set this week was the news that some of Ronald Reagan’s blood was going on sale. If you are both a vampire and a capitalist, this is relevant to all your interests.

The vial used to draw the Gipper’s blood was inherited by the son of a laboratory worker who dealt with Reagan’s blood when the president was nearly assassinated. He first offered it to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation, but they were unwilling to pay for it. He claimed in the auction listing that the former president, an ardent capitalist, would have preferred that he sell the blood rather than give it away for free.

He seems to have thought better of this position, though. Thursday he announced that he’s finally decided to become a blood donor and give the vial to the foundation after all.

I would say, “Talk about trickle-down economics,” but that would be in poor taste even for a piece about vampires.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".


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