The Weather Channel announced this week that they plan to start naming blizzards. They already have some Greco-Roman monikers lined up — Athena, Brutus and Caesar are slated for the first three of the season.
And it makes sense. We name our hurricanes. Why not our winter weather as well, especially given our tendency to name the snows after they happen? Snowmaggedon. Snowpocalypse. Snowgnarok. (That last one hasn’t happened yet, but just watch.)
But I have an idea to make this good idea still better. In fact, I extend this plea to the people in charge of naming hurricanes: This is the perfect opportunity to dissuade people from giving their children stupid names.
We are in the midst of an epidemic of idiotic names, and it is getting only worse with each passing year. Elvis is back on the charts. But it goes far beyond that. Zaiden. Maverick. Braylen. Maximus. Colt. These are exploding in popularity, and they are going to be the names of actual people we will be forced to interact with over the next several decades. Maximilian, for crying out loud. What do they think this is, 19th-century Mexico?
Brayan? Braeden? Braydon? Jaydon?
Meanwhile, consider the girls: Madyson. Londyn. You can’t just take the name of a city, stick a Y in it, and call it your child. Aylin sounds sick. Kennedi is not a real thing you should call anyone. Emerson is a good name only if you want your daughter to grow up to be a 19th-century philosopher, and I don’t think that is a fate most parents favor. Brooklynn and Brooklyn both make Social Security’s list of most popular baby names.
But just try naming your child Iker after Iker has walloped your city. You can’t do it. You see fewer and fewer small Katrinas around, and that is a perfectly nice name. But the associations are too strong.
When Madyson engulfs your driveway and you need to take a week off work in order to dig your way out, you are unlikely to inflict that name on your child. When Brayan comes roaring in and freezes your street, you avoid it like the plague. When Maximilian makes your garage roof cave in, you put that name back in the dustbin of history, where it belongs.
Don’t waste this opportunity on the ancient Romans, Weather Channel! This is a chance to do some real, civic good, rather than simply causing my grandparents to be in a state of permanent alarm about high winds, as you do now.
Do the right thing. Blame Aylin.