Anti-capitalist pigs! And someone clothe that frog. (Scott Garfield/AP)

I would never let a child of mine see this movie. I saw it, but only so that I could object to it more fully, which is incidentally also why I saw “Shame” three times, in theaters, on opening day.

And Fox Business commentator Eric Bolling agrees with me. He calls the Muppets agents of liberal brainwashing, pointing to the movie’s villain Tex Richman, a wealthy oil executive.

This is the culture wars! The Fox News commentators proclaimed. This is brainwashing! These Muppets are communists! They must give us back the kids, and quickly, before the kids start crying and saying they don’t want to be oil executives any more, like they did after we saw “There Will Be Blood.”

True, but is that really their biggest concern?

If turning the kids off oil executive-ing, a noble, humble trade passed down for generations from father to son, is all the movie does, I will heave a sigh of relief. Think about everything else in that movie!

The Muppet Gonzo fires himself out of a cannon and balances pianos on his nose! That’s dangerous, and disrespectful to pianos!

There is a pig engaging in an inter-species relationship with a frog. This is literally the slippery slope that sprang into people’s minds when they voted yes on Prop 8.

Kermit — a frog I can only assume was named for the Roosevelt scion — spends half the movie naked. Miss Piggy wears clothes, so I can only assume that this is actual, constant Muppet nudity, which may explain why their relationship has been on the rocks.

This movie normalizes anti-social behaviors like bursting into song for no reason and being made of felt.

Sure, they say it’s not easy being green. But I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that it’s okay to be green, or that we should somehow tolerate green folks. Being green is a choice, like those strange squiggly lightbulbs.

The closer you look, the more you notice that this whole film is an exercise in brainwashing. The plot revolves around an underused Hollywood set, about to be bought out by an executive who would like to demolish it and drill for oil. To prevent this natural capitalist process, a group of washed-out celebrities get together and throw a benefit concert in which they sing about rainbow connections and sailors. It’s almost a self-parody. The only sense in which it lacked verisimilitude was that Sheryl Crow didn’t show up.

But scratch the plot of almost any movie closely enough, and it’s a liberal screed. A small band of rebels from a sandy, peripheral region attack a massive Imperial power capable of building a giant planet-destroying weapon, and we’re expected to root for them?

Why do we care which of the lions is king? Those lions need to be taken off that land, which might be rich in diamonds or something. And the least they could do is rename Pride Rock.

A bunch of long-haired weirdos decide for no apparent reason to take a long, hairy-footed walk through nature and destroy a perfectly good piece of gold jewelry? Haven’t they been watching Glenn Beck? They should be stockpiling that gold.

And that film about locating a handicapped clownfish? What was that?

I did like the Chronicles of Narnia, if only because any film where the characters remain in the closet for nearly the entire movie is doing something right.

My ideal film is just footage of Ronald Reagan slowly rotating counter-clockwise. Or anything involving Iron Man, a real American capitalist and weapons manufacturer. Or Titanic, which shows what happens if we let Nature get out of hand — it attacks our giant boats.

My point is, Hollywood has departed far too far from the early days when it made unbiased, agenda-free films like Song of the South and Birth of a Nation and — well, I will come up with better examples and get back to you.

Look at us now! Kermit spends the majority of his life with a stranger’s hand up his patoot. Some even dare to say that this is a quality he shares with the Culture Wars commentators!

I blame the brainwashing.