The Washington Post

Megyn Kelly and the benevolence of ‘food product’ pepper spray

In this image made from video, a police officer uses pepper spray as he walks down a line of Occupy demonstrators at the University of California, Davis, on Nov. 18. (Thomas K. Fowler/AP)

He’s really a good Samaritan.

Some see in him a cop just doing his job. But I think that understates the positives. As Megyn Kelly sagely observed to Bill O’Reilly on Fox News last night, pepper spray is “a food product, essentially,” and it was thoughtful of him to share it with so many protesters. It’s like the miracle of the loaves and fishes again — so many nourished, from such a tiny can.

Given that pizza is a vegetable, I am sure that was at least a full day’s serving of something, which probably explains why the protesters winced and squinted and tried to get him to stop. “You are too kind,” they seemed to say, “but that’s already a full day of calories! Don’t turn me into the 1 percent who gets more than my fair share of the pepper products!”

Those officers with nightsticks and billy clubs turn out to have been just fitness enthusiasts trying to get the occupants to get up and do a little cardio. “You hear the first lady,” they said. “Let’s move!” Clearly all those days of soft living in outdoor tents had been getting the best of the protesters, because they responded by developing bruises and screaming and some of them had to go to the hospital, which I have never have to do after a workout, so they must have been pretty out of shape.

Really, this is exactly the sort of sharing-and-caring relationship between government and citizens that the Occupy Movement has said it wants.

Thank heavens for Megyn Kelly, or I would have been confused. I only wish she’d been around decades ago. We would have avoided so much confusion. When I watched old protest videos, the policemen turning firehoses on protesters horrified me, but it turns out they just wanted to make certain that everyone was hydrated. Those British troops opening fire on Bostonians back in the day just wanted to be sure they didn’t injure themselves by throwing rocks around. The Roman centurions were trying to help Jesus express himself through body modification. Those Kent State guardsmen were hoping to discourage the kids from doing any more drugs. That tank following the Tiananmen Square protester around was just trying to offer him a helpful sunshade. The troops along the Trail of Tears were just encouraging the Cherokee to take a good long walk and get in touch with their feelings. Big Brother merely wants to keep us from posting any videos to YouTube that we might regret.

I’m just glad Fox News is here to tell us these things.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".


Success! Check your inbox for details. You might also like:

Please enter a valid email address

See all newsletters

Show Comments
Most Read


Success! Check your inbox for details.

See all newsletters

Your Three. Videos curated for you.
Play Videos
From clubfoot to climbing: Double amputee lives life of adventure
Learn to make traditional soup dumplings
Deaf banjo player teaches thousands
Play Videos
Unconventional warfare with a side of ale
The rise and fall of baseball cards
How to keep your child safe in the water
Play Videos
'Did you fall from heaven?': D.C.'s pick-up lines
5 ways to raise girls to be leaders
How much can one woman eat?
Play Videos
How to get organized for back to school
How to buy a car via e-mail
The signature drink of New Orleans