Michele Bachmann was perfect, said Bachmann


Perfection! (Pool/GETTY IMAGES)

It is impossible to improve on some quotes. This weekend, during an interview with Bloomberg TV’s Al Hunt, Michele Bachmann emitted several of the pronouncements that so endeared her to the commenting public and so bewildered everyone else.

“Let me ask you this,” Hunt said. “Who is the more conservative of these four candidates left?”

Bachmann: “I was. I was the perfect candidate.”

A few moments later, Hunt tried again: “Who’s the second most conservative?”

Bachmann: “America had their chance with the perfect candidate.”

Ah.

I was wondering what that was. It turns out that it was perfection. Bachmann’s self-knowledge is only exceeded by her humility.

Michele Bachmann’s dating life, prior to husband Marcus, must have been quite interesting. “He broke up with you?” her roommate would ask, as she came home, still impeccably dressed like a mid-period Michael Jackson.

“Yes,” she no doubt murmured. “I was too perfect. He missed his chance.”

“You got a zero on that test?”

“I’m afraid so. My answers were too correct.”

Wow, America. We were blind. When we looked at candidate Bachmann, we saw someone who said “titanium spine” every six to eight seconds and was prone to pronouncements like — when asked if gay people could marry — “They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man.” She signed pledges implying that under slavery, at least kids grew up in stable two-parent homes. During the last days of the campaign, her actual strategy consisted of praying for a miracle.

What did we miss? We had perfection on two legs, and somehow — nothing. No wonder dating is so difficult!

Clearly, Bachmann was campaigning in a parallel universe of some sort. In retrospect, that explains many of her comments.

But really, the perfect candidate? One of the qualities a perfect candidate possesses is the ability to win. Quaint, I know, but there it is. I would blame this statement on the cult of self-esteem, but I think that was after Bachmann’s time. Still, it’s a warning to anyone rearing a child right now. Keep telling Bobby the only reason the other kids don’t like him is that they find his perfection off-putting, and eventually he starts to believe it.

Generally, when you fail to win a nomination or an election, it’s not because you were the perfect candidate.

Except in Bachmann’s world.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".

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