The Washington Post

Mitt Romney’s alien donors

Don’t shoot! They’re Romney donors! (Timothy White/AP)

Update: An earlier version of this post erroneously referred to W SPANN as W SWANN.

It has been reported that a mysterious firm entitled W Swann LLC was founded March 15, donated to the Romney SuperPAC, and vanished almost instantly (July 12) whence it had come.

After spending years surrounded by inexplicable televised conundrums like Lost, The Twilight Zone and Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ To The Oldies, I think there is only one explanation:


Or visitors from an alternative, more prosperous universe where Romney is currently president, seeking to bring our universe closer to their own, a universe where the DOW remains stable and everyone has lots of bonus healthcare.

It was easy to discover once I saw the clues. Their name is W SPANN LLC. If you anagram this name, it is SWANN W, like Swann's Way, a great book by Marcel Proust! These donors were clearly Proust readers who wanted to warn us against taking things too literally.

Disappearing and appearing like that are the trademarks of the otherworldly. To appear, flourish, donate, then melt away as inevitably and mysteriously as Heidi Montag’s face — this requires rare and advanced science: science from another planet, perhaps!

It all hit me suddenly as I was walking through a cornfield.

Clearly, W SPANN were visitors from another planet who read the Citizens United ruling too literally and showed up, hoping to send a clear message. “Money is speech here!” they told each other as they prepared to land, reading the Space Travel Guide (with the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover). “At intersections, when people cut you off, you retaliate by pelting them with Euros! $62,000 in unmarked bills is ‘Please, give me back my son.’ The greatest address in the planet’s history was one time when Abraham Lincoln stood silently at a podium in Gettysburg for three minutes and then handed his audience $43 in exact change.’”

So a $1 million donation to the Romney PAC was actually just their version of "Greetings Earthlings, we come in peace." Then when we ignored them they decided to take off and visit a more fun, logical planet instead.

That’s it, surely!

Sounds ridiculous? Sure. But given the Supreme Court ruling that money is speech and the campaign finance rules that keep private company records away from scrutiny, it might be no more ridiculous than what actually happened.

We may never know...

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".


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