“I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married,” the president said.
But then he was interrupted by the Kraken rising from the deep and swallowing Alaska.
We were warned, after all, that this would happen.
The president went on to say that his change of heart had been brewing for some time, from talking to servicemen and women to dinner table discussions with his daughters Malia and Sasha to Vice President Biden’s recent remarks on “Meet the Press.”
But I could not really hear him over the sound of frogs falling from the sky and all the rivers turning to blood. Darkness covered the earth. Joe Biden was set upon by sea-serpents.
Even Ken Jennings was affected. “MY DAUGHTER IS GAY MARRYING ALL HER KEN DOLLS THEY LOOK AMAZING BUT WHERE WILL THIS END,” he tweeted.
Four horsemen of the Apocalypse came careening over the landscape waving brands and sweater vests. Rick Santorum was spirited up into the sky before the rest of the scene became too difficult to watch. Dogs and robots began wedding each other. Couples celebrating their golden anniversaries stripped off their clothes and forced the attendees to participate in orgies. Abraham Lincoln arose from the grave and loudly shouted, “THIS IS NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTED!”
I’m sorry, none of this is happening?
Well, perhaps that’s only because this is a largely symbolic gesture that won’t have much policy impact, for the moment, and the president still believes the choice should be left to the states.
It certainly can’t be that these things are unlikely ever to happen, and that all the people mongering this particular brand of fear were off the mark. Certainly not. The Kraken got the date wrong. The earthquakes and plague and famine wound up in traffic. That meteor’s still bound to hit. It’s not that time is the slow-working enemy of inequality. It’s not that the arc of history is long but bends towards justice, or anything like that. Fire and ice and the end of the world are still coming, surely.
Just give it time.