Q: Did anything happen this week?
A: Where have you been, in a cave?
Q: No, I was actually in a fortified compound in Abbottabad until Sunday —
A: I see what you did there.
Q: So we got Osama. What does that mean?
A: First off, it means that our elected officials, journalists, and anyone else who cares to comment get as many chances as possible to accidentally say “Obama” instead of “Osama” and make everything unbelievably awkward.
Q: Is it true that if anyone manages to make it through this week without once mixing up the two, he or she will receive the Medal of Honor?
A: It would be true if anyone believed that were possible.
Q: Isn’t there some way to avoid it?
A: Various strategies have been tried. A team of top analysts came up with several mnemonic devices, including, “Obama with a B, that’s the one for me,” and “There’s no S in my president,” but they haven’t really been working, mainly because they are terrible.
Q: Those top analysts should stick to top analyzing.
A: I don’t think that’s how it works.
Q: I also have some follow-up questions about the Royal Wedding.
A: Please don’t ask them here, it will make us seem frivolous.
Q: But —
Q: Sleeves —
Q: Can I ask about the Situation Room photo? I notice that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was covering her mouth as she watched.
A: Yes. Now she is claiming that it was due to “allergies.” This is in keeping with White House policy about the Osama operation, which requires everyone to alter his or her story at least twice to show a unified front.
Q: Could it really have been allergies?
A: Absolutely! Allergies produce a wide range of reactions. Some people sneeze, some people cough, some people wince as though watching an operation against the number one public enemy take a serious turn.
Q: What actually happened to Osama?
A: I will get back to you on that once we agree what actually happened to Elvis, JFK or those moon landing guys.
Q: Is today Cinco de Mayo?
A: Maybe for you. For me, today is a National Day of Prayer, a holiday we came up with as a nation after the people we once called friends failed to include us in their Cinco De Mayo plans.
Q: I thought you would be too busy praying.
A: Why did you think I was praying? In certain parts of the world, Cinco de Mayo is known as “Day When Prayer Is Sorely Required, For Even If You Successfully Managed Not To Confuse Obama and Osama So Far, Sorry, Now You’re Drinking Tequila.”
Q: I thought there was more to the holiday than tequila. Aren’t we celebrating the birth of Mr. De Mayo?
A: You realize that “Cinco de Mayo” is just “May the Fifth” in Spanish?
Q: I do now.
A: After discovering that you could make days into Party Events by saying them in other languages, I have made elaborate plans for Fjortonde Juni and Oktober Negende.
Q: Did anything actually happen on those days?
A: Not yet.