People are crying for it in the streets, coining slogans and waving signs. They are marching on the seats of power with these words on their lips: “I demand a presidential candidate who shares my religious beliefs!”
No? That’s a distraction? What they’re asking for is jobs? Are you sure that’s not capitalized and pronounced like the long-suffering servant covered in boils? The alternative seems too far-fetched.
But it’s the truth.
The surging crowds demanding a president whose faith background aligns exactly with their own are right next to all those people whom President Obama alone can see, who stand in the streets clamoring for more rationality.
On Friday, Pastor Robert Jeffress told reporters, contrasting Perry and Romney, that “Rick Perry's a Christian. He's an evangelical Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ. Mitt Romney’s a good moral person, but he's not a Christian. Mormonism is not Christianity. It has always been considered a cult by the mainstream of Christianity.”
“I can’t imagine voting for a ‘good, moral person,’” we murmur. “It would just be too awkward to know that my president was bound for Hell. It would cast rather a pall over state dinners.”
After all, a majority of us believe that prayer can help us heal, which accounts for our distaste for Obamacare. (“These burnt offerings fell under preventive care, I thought?”) And if Rick Perry’s prayer rally is to believed, prayer can also help the economy heal, or at least help elect Rick Perry, or something.
And if you think this, maybe it does matter. “We need a president who can pray the right kind of job-creating prayers,” Jeffress might as well have said.
Faith, Hope and Charity? What’s Faith doing hanging out with those two socialists? These days, Faith is striking out on its own and leaving the artists currently known as “Obama Slogan” and “Handouts” to fend for themselves, although Charity will be back in the game as soon as this health-care law gets repealed. Faith can move mountains, but unless it’s the right sort of faith, that’s just taking away jobs from American mountain-movers who are hurting in these rough economic times.
Manufactured crisis? American manufacturing is the best in the world.
I don't care what my president believes as long as it doesn’t require any human sacrifices and keeps him off the streets — and, more importantly, keeps me off the streets, too. I would vote for Thor if he came up with a coherent jobs plan.
I worry that I’m alone in this, however.
“I just couldn’t vote for a Mormon. Look, what they believe is absurd,” we say. “Jesus didn’t visit America. That’s completely ridiculous! He was too busy turning loaves into fish and walking on water.”
Don’t we realize how we sound? “Yes, I know it sounds crazy,” we say, “but we’re right.” The trouble is that this is what everyone says. I discovered it engraved on the side of a pyramid recently.
Sure, we want jobs. We would prefer jobs for ourselves, but we will also settle for anyone capable of bringing Steve Jobs back.
Sure, the whole thing is a distraction.
But the trouble with distractions is that sometimes they work.