Pole dancing for Jesus?

Yes, it’s real. And it’s only logical.

This is just another step in the gradual transformation of our society into a bunch of, well, strumpets.

“Not long ago,” Dave Barry wrote, “people with tattoos were considered to be low-class sleazeballs. But today, millions of Americans have tattoos. What does this tell us? It tells us that millions of Americans are low-class sleazeballs. Just kidding! It tells us that tattoos are now considered ‘body art’ and have become fashionable with people from all walks of life.”

The same is true for pole-dancing. Remember when “I’m taking a pole dancing class” was your way of saying, “I am now literally meretricious”?

Now everybody’s doing it! Clear plastic heels are the new glass slippers! And pole dancing is very much not just for strippers anymore, as the proprietress of Pole Dancing for Jesus will have you know. No! It is a wholesome workout that anyone can do. Sure, it involves your writhing around a pole, but that is because doing so has cardio benefits, not because you are hoping someone will spot you and slip dollars into your underwear.

This is just one more thing our society is doing to make it impossible to tell strippers from non-strippers. What the obesity epidemic did for pregnant people, the pole dancing epidemic is doing for actual strippers. “Hey, are you morbidly obese?” people ask. “No, I’m just pregnant!” “You must be doing great cardio work!” people exclaim. “No, I’m a stripper,” the conservatively dressed woman on the street corner responds. If you are in a thong on a crowded street, you are probably not a stripper. You might just be an Innovative Dresser. Or you might be Lady Gaga, a pop star worth millions!

We don’t need to make it any harder for sex professionals than it already is. It’s clearly hard, because they are being forced to sell their bodies for money, all the while knowing that when they finally make it out of law school the job market will be unwelcoming.

Besides, the other problem with this is that it leads to things like Pole Dancing for Jesus.

It’s a workout now! This shimmy builds my laterals! Bending over like this and standing up slowly strengthens my calves! This movement where I go stand next to the highway looking vacant-eyed and sad is good for my glutes! Of course there’s a way to do it for Jesus! You can do almost anything for Jesus these days — open an abortion clinic, protest an abortion clinic, shoot someone, save someone’s life, play rock music, forswear rock music forever. Why should pole-dancing be any different?

But can’t we stop this madness? You don’t see people teaching courses on “Pretending to be a Trappist Monk for a Better Sex Life.”

Well, maybe you do, these days.