Rand Paul’s toilets don’t work, and he knows who’s to blame. Not Aqua Buddha. The Government!

“I’ve been waiting for 20 years to talk about how bad these toilets are,” Rand Paul (R-Ky.) exclaimed during a hearing on energy Thursday morning.

“Frankly, my toilets don’t work in my house, and I blame you, and people like you,” said Mr. Paul to Kathleen Hogan, deputy assistant secretary for energy efficiency at the Energy Department.

"You favor a woman's right to an abortion, but you don't favor a woman or a man's right to choose what kind of light bulb, what kind of dishwasher, what kind of washing machine. I really find it troubling, this busy-body nature, that you want to come into my house, my bathroom, my bedroom, my kitchen, my laundry room -- I just really find it insulting."

He had a lot to say about the new toilets: "We don't even save money! We flush them 10 times! They don't work!"

I guess one of the perks of being an elected official is that you get to show up at hearings and complain about your toilets. This makes me want to run for office, because I have a lot of problems with my toilet, and the American people need to know! Also, the McDonald's near my home no longer carries the McRib, and I think my cat has a rash.

And I blame the government! It is always showing up at my house to replace things that I like with things that I like less. It does this through a process it likes to call "regulation" and I like to call "unnecessarily confiscating my pet giant lump of burning dirty plutonium-coal-toxic-waste." One afternoon I came home and noticed that The Government was in my kitchen filling all my mayonnaise jars with Miracle Whip. That's the kind of nonsense up with which I will not put!

The Government loves interfering with all my hobbies, which are roughly described by the phrase "using endangered animals to hunt other endangered animals while leaving my faucet running." But it's gone too far! First they came for the toilets, making them more efficient and less exciting, for thrill-seekers like me who liked to feel we were doing our business on something that could, if required, engulf the city of Detroit in a single flush.

But light bulbs -- well, that's a bridge too far. I may not be burning twice as bright and half as long, but I'd like my light bulbs to have that opportunity! Thomas Edison didn't do all that perspiring so The Government could come replace my bulbs with the little pig-tailed ones.

So Paul really spoke for me. "I can't buy the old light bulbs," he railed. "I can't buy a toilet that works!"

I think Paul's point was that energy efficiency standards affect the kind of products in the market, and that he thinks only the market should determine the kind of products in the market, but nobody else seemed able to figure that out over all the toilet-related exclamations."I can help you find a toilet that works," Hogan offered at one point.

Maybe it's an objection worth exploring. But ranting about his toilet might not be the way to get that point across -- it's the kind of debate that exudes more heat than light. But hey, that's what the old light bulbs used to do, and we all know how he feels about them.