We know America’s defense is not a game of Battleship.
But this leaves open the possibility that the whole election might be some other kind of board game!
Here are a few options.
Monopoly: Aided by shady, regularly disbursed funds from a “banker,” constantly under the surveillance of a mustached man with a top hat and monocle, you careen around the board trying to gather places with names like “Kentucky” and “Vermont” into your hands before your opponent does.
Sorry!: You constantly apologize to your opponents, but you never mean it. “Sorry” in this game most easily translates to “Ha-ha, I have gained an advantage!”
Scrabble: You emit random words, some winning you more points than others, for reasons unrelated to their vocabulary level or sincerity.
Pictionary: You sketch out vague, reassuring pictures of things in less than a minute, and the audience has to guess what you mean.
Risk: You and your opponent move imaginary troops around in hard-to-pronounce fake countries.
Guess Who: Try to distinguish yourself from your opponent without saying anything racist.
Settlers of Catan: The game is fun, sure, but only a certain group of people are absolutely obsessed with it and insist on bringing it out at parties.
Chess: It turns out that keeping all the bishops on your side as long as possible is not that important to your ultimate success, but some people beg to differ.
Operation: Neither player has any idea how to solve your health-care problem! This is dangerous!
Clue: It is totally kosher to imply that at some point your opponent was responsible for killing someone.
Ouija: But what if the people making predictions are changing the outcome?
Trivial Pursuit: You will be arbitrarily tested on random facts. No coherent vision emerges.
Bingo: This game is only fun if you are a retiree! You might wind up with a lot of money. Also, even if the outcome is bad, you will die soon.
Life: You insist that everything good that has come to you is because of your personal merit and choices, not luck.
Twister: This requires impossible contortions and goes on for much, much longer than it has any right to.