The Washington Post

Romney sank my battleship — the election in board games

This is a big battleship. (SHANNON STAPLETON/REUTERS)

We know America’s defense is not a game of Battleship.

But this leaves open the possibility that the whole election might be some other kind of board game!

Here are a few options.

Monopoly: Aided by shady, regularly disbursed funds from a “banker,” constantly under the surveillance of a mustached man with a top hat and monocle, you careen around the board trying to gather places with names like “Kentucky” and “Vermont” into your hands before your opponent does.

Sorry!: You constantly apologize to your opponents, but you never mean it. “Sorry” in this game most easily translates to “Ha-ha, I have gained an advantage!”

Scrabble: You emit random words, some winning you more points than others, for reasons unrelated to their vocabulary level or sincerity.

Pictionary: You sketch out vague, reassuring pictures of things in less than a minute, and the audience has to guess what you mean.

Risk: You and your opponent move imaginary troops around in hard-to-pronounce fake countries.

Guess Who: Try to distinguish yourself from your opponent without saying anything racist.

Settlers of Catan: The game is fun, sure, but only a certain group of people are absolutely obsessed with it and insist on bringing it out at parties.

Chess: It turns out that keeping all the bishops on your side as long as possible is not that important to your ultimate success, but some people beg to differ.

Operation: Neither player has any idea how to solve your health-care problem! This is dangerous!

Clue: It is totally kosher to imply that at some point your opponent was responsible for killing someone.

Ouija: But what if the people making predictions are changing the outcome?

Trivial Pursuit: You will be arbitrarily tested on random facts. No coherent vision emerges.

Bingo: This game is only fun if you are a retiree! You might wind up with a lot of money. Also, even if the outcome is bad, you will die soon.

Life: You insist that everything good that has come to you is because of your personal merit and choices, not luck.

Twister: This requires impossible contortions and goes on for much, much longer than it has any right to.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".
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