After several blogs noticed that the Full Version of Mitt Romney’s contentious “47 percent” remarks to a private gathering of donors in May were missing two minutes, I got hold of the missing minutes. Oddly, their contents changed depending on who was watching.

Previously, I posted what Obama supporters assumed the missing two minutes contained.

Here is what Romney supporters will hear Mitt saying.


But 45 percent of the people will go with a Republican, and 48 or 49 percent of people are AHHH LOOK, DO YOU SEE THAT METEOR HEADED FOR THE EARTH? There. I just stopped it with my mind. Because I care.

I know how tough it is to raise those four kids on less than 40,000 a year. You know why? Because that's my life. Actually. 

The reason I won't release my tax returns is that until two years ago, I was literally broke, but Ann is too ashamed to tell the public. I didn't work at Bain. Not that there's anything wrong with that. They created thousands of jobs.

I was on a secret mission, saving millions of lives and asking nothing in return. When Ann said that we ate tuna and pasta off an ironing board, she neglected to mention that this was happening under a bridge. Believe me, I know what you've been through. I have just been posing as an insufferable multimillionaire to give President Obama a fighting chance. He needs one. I killed Osama bin Laden with my bare hands.

I am Batman. 

This is a secret I have never told anyone.

I created you.

I am Captain America. I am also Iron Man. While you were processing that, I just rescued six kittens from a tree. I am the most interesting man in the world. If you want me to, I will destroy Honey Boo Boo.

I control the winds. Why do you think the hurricane missed Tampa? Because I control the winds!

If I stopped being pro-life for a second, the universe would disappear.

I am Vishnu, destroyer of worlds. I am Odin. I am the Sixth and Seventh Doctors. I am Barack Obama from 2008.

I am you. I love you. I will fix the economy.

None of you will remember that this ever happened.

Gangnam Style.