The Washington Post

After Teddy wins, what?

Victory is his. (The Washington Post/WASHINGTON POST/GETTY IMAGES)

Teddy Roosevelt won the Presidents Race on the final day of the Nationals’ regular season. It’s been years in the making, hundreds of losses, all pointing to this moment.

I was opposed to Teddy’s win — these devoutly wished consummations tend to take the steam out of TV shows, as anyone who rooted for Niles and Daphne can tell you — but now that it’s happened, there’s no use objecting. This is why I have to be so punctual to weddings.

So where do we go from here?

A few suggestions:

— Add another president to the race. Sure, it’s Mount Rushmore, but you can add things to Mount Rushmore. When Cary Grant was added to Mount Rushmore, it resulted in a great movie. How about Andrew Johnson or Richard Nixon? Or, heck, Rutherford B. Hayes? If nothing else, it will be a good exercise in figuring out which presidents are still recognizable enough to caricature.

— Add other characters to the race. Why should presidents have all the fun? Get Darth Vader in there!

-- Add anthropomorphic concepts to the race, like “The Economy” and “The Occupy Movement.”

— Include other D.C. fixtures like pandas and, uh, panda-related hype, and Ben’s Chili Bowl and — tourists, and — monuments, I guess, and people complaining about how difficult it is to reach H Street NE to hang out at the hip places there.

— Have D.C. fixtures like congressmen and potholes and Pepco outages join the race. I don’t know how you would incorporate the potholes or the outage, but I’m sure we can figure out something.

— Get rid of the race altogether, and replace it with a presidential knife-fight to the death.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".


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