Recently I unearthed an Ancient Mayan day-planner. On the cover were instructions to sacrifice a toothed hen or an Iowan who had never had his hand shaken by a political candidate. After some difficulty I located the hen.
As it turns out, there’s more to 2012 than just Dec. 21. They had all kinds of other predictions! Here are the top 15:
1.) Rick Santorum wins the presidential election after taking the time to have a cup of coffee with more than 200 million voters. When polled, voters express confidence that Santorum will be the best president to have for that “3 a.m. phone call,” if only because after consuming so much caffeine, he will be unable to sleep for the next four years.
2. ) Alternatively, Mitt Romney wins after changing his name to Not Not Not Not Not Not Romney and billing himself as the “most emphatically Not Romney” of all the candidates. (It is reassuring that even the Ancient Mayans had no idea how the Republican nominating process was going to work out.)
3.) We discover another new planet that is not capable of supporting human life but that proves strangely hospitable to Kardashians.
4.) After the purchase of the 1 billionth plaster owl at Urban Outfitters, hipsters realize that the very fact of hipsterdom has become mainstream and commit ritual seppuku en masse by drinking tainted PBR. (This is less a prediction than a hope.)
5.) Netflix somehow manages to screw up the only fail-safe business model still remaining by sending more offensive apology letters to its customers that begin, “So sorry that you are too fat and lazy to object to paying more money for no additional services.”
6.) The God particle is discovered. This baffles the Nietzsche particle.
7.) Michael Fassbender becomes famous enough that he starts appearing in movies with his pants on. The moviegoing public deserts him.
8.) Google, in an attempt to compete with Facebook, changes its famous search function to give you only results about yourself. Amazingly, this works.
9.) Barack Obama’s popularity continues to increase. No one can quite say why. Eventually it turns out that Newt Gingrich has been sitting on the lever.
10.) There is a breakthrough in e-reader technology: a portable reading device with no glare or battery probems that can withstand being dunked in water and that easily allows flipping back and forth from page to page. Made of paper. Called a book. No one buys it because you cannot use it to check your e-mail or live-tweet anything.
11.) People get sick of Twitter and decide that it is a waste of time. They do not stop using Twitter.
12) “War Horse” sweeps the Oscars on the sheer strength of a title that combines the two things most likely to win your motion picture an award.
13.) Everyone in Europe reaches an accord about the future of the euro and how to work together peaceably and collegially. The accord is summed up in the phrase “Forget it, the Ancient Mayans should be back here soon and we have no other ideas.”
14.) Kim Jong Eun attempts to take on Michelle Obama by creating his own health initiative, “Let’s Not Move And Also Let’s Eat Bacon.”
14.) Michael Phelps wins no medals in the London Olympics, marking the first time that anyone was surprised and disappointed that a guy who had spent the past four years eating large quantities of food and smoking controlled substances did not win an Olympic medal.
15.) Ancient Mayans return to Earth seeking to extract vengeance and destroy the planet. After taking one look at what Congress is doing, they shudder and turn away. “Never mind,” they mutter in ancient Mayan. “It seems as though you have this well in hand.”