The terrifying LinkedIn IPO: A Q&A

Q: Why is LinkedIn worth so much?

A: Nobody knows!

Q: Seriously?

A: I certainly don’t know. It’s starting to frighten me. It’s like when you give somebody a gift that you think he’ll sort of like, and he starts crying and says that you’re his best friend and he’s never felt like this before. It’s nice, but a little over the top compared to what you were expecting.

Q: To be fair, though, I’m on LinkedIn. And I value myself at at least $9 billion.

A: Really?

Q: What?

A: Nothing, I’m just a little surprised, that’s all. I like to think that I’m precious and valuable, but even I would be the first to admit I’m not worth $9 billion by a long shot.

Q: Of course you’re not.

A: Ingrate.

Q: I’m just saying, if the world ends this Saturday, May 21, I will probably get raptured before you do.

A: Q, that’s not a verb, and furthermore I don’t actually believe the Rapture is happening.

Q: But I’m paying you a flat fee of $400 upfront for dog and lawn care in the event that it does!

A: Well, I guess the joke’s on me.

Q: What joke?

A: Anyway, maybe it won’t be the Rapture. Maybe it’ll just be another bubble.

Q: Bubbles terrify me. They’re one of those ambiguously metaphorical words whose meaning varies wildly depending on context. Like bear markets. If you think about it, a bear market could be incredible, or it could be terrible, and you can’t tell until you show up with your bear-carrying car and it turns out everyone’s stocks are plummeting.

A: Bear-carrying car?

Q: Or if you sock someone, are you performing a sartorial service, or injuring him? And if you’re watching the game, are you staring at fowls, or staring at fouls? If you’re retiring, are you shy, or are you shy and leaving your job? And speaking of retiring, did you see that some people want McDonalds to retire Ronald McDonald?

A: Oh. Are they trying to do McDonald’s a favor by pointing out how creepy that clown is as a mascot?

Q: No. All fast-food mascots are creepy. That’s part of the job description. The little Wendy’s girl. The creepy King. Hardee, whoever that is.

A: I think that’s less a person than a concept.

Q: Or Carl’s Jr., which sounds like a euphemism.

A: And to think you’re worth $9 billion.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".

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