9. Countdown clock to when Malia is able to drive, just to put the worries of office in perspective.
8. Fake Birth Certificate, because now we can all laugh about this, right? No?
7. Picture of Santorum. Make certain it’s the right kind! Has this joke gotten old? If it has, Santorum was actually handing out Homemade Santorum Jelly at an event recently. I wish I were making it up. Get some of that?
6. Ten approval points! This seems unlikely, but maybe you can find Osama again.
5. Satan sandwich.
4. Blank card, to go with your “blank check” from John Boehner.
3. David Wu's resignation (this may not arrive in time, come to think of it.)
2. Nothing! Put it in a nice box and tell him it’s “Heidi Montag’s soul” or “Donald Trump’s dignity” or, alternatively, “Don’t open the box or Hope will escape!”
Promise you’ll vote for him in 2012. Promise you won’t decide not to vote for him in 2012 until you see who the candidates are. Promise to leave the Obama Hope 2008 bumper sticker on your car until further notice.