The Washington Post

What really killed the whale shark

Look at that body! (AP Photo) (AP/AP)

“Yeah,” the shark murmured feebly, “but you should have seen the other shark.”

Here are some possible explanations:

--Whale Shark showing its disappointment with activist judges of the Ninth Circuit by committing ritual seppuku

--Whale Shark ate someone who disagreed with him. (Newt Gingrich frequently does this.)

--Whale Shark lost a Twitter follower.

--Hamlet just broke up with Whale Shark

--Whale Shark sick of being mistaken for Newt Gingrich

--Whale Shark can’t believe that Blue Ivy is trademarked already.

--Whale Shark single again on Valentine’s Day, can’t stand hitting the sandbars by itself

--Captain Ahab

--Ron Paul wrestled Whale Shark to death in a dispute related to floating dollars.

--Whale Shark finally read “The Sorrows of Young Werther.”

--Auto-erotic asphyxiation

--Whale Shark heard Lana Del Rey’s new album

--Whale Shark disappointed by the academy’s failure to recognize Michael Fassbender’s performance in “Shame”

--Whale Shark irritated by Clint Eastwood Super Bowl commercial

--Whale Shark given option of voting for Rick Santorum or Mitt Romney to oppose Barack Obama; chose third option

--Whale Shark’s self-esteem hurt by extrapolating Karl Lagerfeld’s remarks about Adele’s size

--Whale Shark swam too close to Area 51, also was on verge of breakthrough about moon landing

--Whale Shark gazed too long into Anderson Cooper’s eyes

--Last person on earth who still believed in whale sharks stopped clapping for a few seconds.

--Whale Shark learned of the existence of the Kardashians

--This is the ending of Liam Neeson’s next movie.

--One show too many jumped it.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".
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