Who beats Obama and the Republicans? The Neither Party


Look at the great numbers for Neither Party!

Congress is doing no better. Only 28 percent of people approve of the way Republicans in Congress are doing their job — the lowest this number has been since the summer of 2008, before all that Hope and Change happened. True, Congress never has a high approval rating — statistics suggest that fewer Americans trust them than trust Lady Gaga, although that was before her most recent video, which I hear has polarized people somewhat. If Congress has a high approval rating, that suggests that it is doing something wrong, like returning to the patronage system or looking at Vladi­mir Putin’s poll numbers by mistake.

But one group had nothing but good news. Their trust and approval ratings are at new highs. And at the rate things are going, they might be poised to take the election next year.

Their name? The Neither Party.

Seventeen percent of Americans trust them to do a better job on creating jobs than Republicans or Democrats! Sixteen percent trust them to handle the economy better! And 16 percent trust them to handle the budget deficit. Considering that a few years ago, the Neither Party was the bastion of a few diehards who liked to mess around when answering political polls, these are great numbers.

In fact, this might speak to a larger trend in this election cycle.

If there’s one group that has been doing fantastically well these days, filling us with Hope and Positivity, it’s Neither Party.

Neither Party is the party you trust. Neither Party is the party that gives you the sense that it understands how to get the country back on the track to greatness again.

It’s bigger than that, though. Things we deplore in our usual system seem delightful when Neither Party does them. If Neither Party robo-called my house, I would be overjoyed. If Neither Party engaged in name-calling and brinkmanship, Americans would stand up and cheer. If Neither Party precipitated a debt crisis, most Americans would be intensely relieved.

Nobody Currently Running, the Neither candidate for president, is also polling insanely well. Nobody Currently Running really inspires Americans with a lot of confidence. Nobody Currently Running doesn’t sound tired, dull or crazy. Nobody Currently Running has decided to be a mature adult and focus on the issues rather than pinning everything on the hope of finding a a video of his opponents in a compromising position with a corn dog.

So why despond?

Soon will come a historic realignment of Washington in favor of Neither Party. Neither Party will change the way we do business. And Neither Party has come up with some revelatory economic ideas that look like they will create bucketloads of jobs.

Cheer up! With Nobody Currently Running inspiring such hope and so many Americans wanting to put Neither Party in change, things might just turn out all right.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".

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