Remember the birds plummeting from the skyin Arkansas? Now there are literally millions of dead fish filling King Harbor Marina in Redondo Beach, California. Officials are blaming oxygen depletion. But here are some better explanations:

* Charlie Sheen did this. With his mind. In a nanosecond.

* Second stage of Countdown to Mayan Apocalypse 2012.

* Fish agreed to suicide pact to protest Lindsay Lohan overexposure.

* Starbucks 40th birthday celebrations already going terribly awry.

* Vice President Biden refused to stop talking to fish.

* Jesus has returned, is visiting Atlantis first for Repeat Miracle tour. Look for loaves washing ashore next week.

* Sarah Palin went into berserker rage, has no recollection of past few days.