Need help with your holiday shopping? Look no further than this list of the top gifts of the year, arranged by year!

Here are some shoppers in the present day. (Bret Hartman/REUTERS)

197,000 BCE

5. Stone tools

4. Tablet

3. Rock

2 (tie). Regifted hide

2 (tie). Last-minute “relationship coupons” for things like “Got your back on the next mammoth hunt” and “Next time you drag someone back to the cave, I’ll help with the lifting!”

1. Fire

30,000 BCE

5. Recently domesticated wolf-pup for whose arrival the household is not adequately prepared

4 (tie). New wheel

4 (tie). Metal tools

3. Woman

2. New set of clubs

1. Fruitcake

1350 CE

7. Thatch

6. Serf

5. Flat, disc-shaped toy to help child learn Earth’s geography

4. Short, miserable life of toil

3. Rat

2. Chilblains

1. Bubonic Plague! (THE gift from 1348-1350)

1650 CE

6. Fur

5. New stockings, although this was clearly not what the recipient really wanted

4. Combo pack: Beads & large group of armed men who insist, afterwards, that the land belongs to them.

3. Scarlet letter bodice decal

2. New churn that your wife pretends to be enthused about.

1. Barbie: Probably A Witch edition.


5. Tickets to smash production of “Our American Cousin” at Ford’s Theater

4. Confederate flag for the back of the carriage.

3. New horse-drawn carriage with a giant bow tied around it.

2. Bicycle with one giant wheel.

1. Trip to see Mount Rushmore, a big mountain with nothing on it.


5. Suffragette Barbie

4. One of those newfangled telephones

3. Fruitcake

2. New Model T with big ribbon tied around it

1. Prohibition


6 (tie). Metal tools

6 (tie). Confederate flag for the back of the car.

5. One of those newfangled telephones.

4. Fur

3. Rock, from Jared

2. Tablet

1. Kindle Fire