It looks like the platinum coin is backfiring: Instead of seeing it as the economic policy equivalent of dressing up in a clown suit, people are starting to take it (kind of) seriously as a (semi-) viable approach. Instead of “shaming” us into action on the debt ceiling, it’s — encouraging us.
The president needs more money, soon! If additional borrowing is off the table, why limit ourselves to a platinum coin? Here are some more ideas.
- Giant Bake Sale. What’s a Tea Party without cookies?
- Filibuster Karaoke Night. Like a Karaoke Night, but everyone only threatens to sing, and the DJ just stands at the mic grumbling that the process is broken. I’m not sure how to monetize this, actually.
- National Pajama Day! Donate now and you get a personalized letter from the president allowing you to wear pajamas to work, or, for 7.9 percent of you, around the basement all day while you fill out job applications, like every other Tuesday.
- Naming Rights. We just got a new national park. Sure, Pinnacles National Monument is a fine name, but how about Nabisco National Park or Warren Buffett Is Just The Greatest National Park or Jenna Don’t You See What A Mistake You’ve Made National Park? Bidding starts at $1 billion. For $10 billion you can rename an existing state. For $100 billion you can rename John Boehner.
- Kickstarter. You really need to make that video shine, though!
- Drone Flocking. There’s a popular fundraiser called “Flamingo Flocking” where you put pink flamingos in someone’s yard and charge $15 to take them away. This is like that, but for the lethal unmanned drone hovering above your house.
- Jail for a Day. This is a real fundraiser that people do, as a joke, for church groups and volunteer organizations, but given all the dark detention sites and the ability to suspend habeas corpus, you can really add some stakes to this one! Everybody donate!
- Silent auction.
- NOISY AUCTION.
- Sell hair, teeth, down by the docks.
- Death Panel Bingo. I’m not sure what this is, but Grandma thinks you should probably give right now.
- Giant coin jar, the size of Alaska.
- The president promises to stop sending you those emails.
- Nude Calendar. Look, it’s only moderately more embarrassing than the platinum coin.
All we need to raise is a trillion dollars or so! Piece of cake, really.