(Franco Origlia/Getty Images) Also, we are updating the campaign sashes. Also, we are updating the campaign sashes. (Franco Origlia/Getty Images)

From the Office of Cardinal [Redacted]

Dear Conclave of Cardinals,

I would like to apologize profusely for the events of the past week. I just read an article on the upcoming papal elections that “In the Vatican, even a whiff of self-aggrandizement is tantamount to sacrilege, explicit politicking is a surefire way to leave the conclave as a cardinal.”

I did not realize that you felt this way.

With this in mind, please disregard the following:

• The Shepard Fairey-stylized posters with my picture in red and white, gazing off inspiringly leftward and the word “POPE” underneath

• The unlicensed Dr. Seuss-inspired merchandise that I bulk-ordered in a fit of hubris, revising “Hop on Pop” by adding E’s to the end of the critical words

• The signs in the men’s restroom informing you that “It would be a Cardinal Virtue to Pick Cardinal [Redacted]”

• The signs in the other men’s restroom informing you that “The Only Mortal Sin Would Be Not To Pick Cardinal [Redacted].”

• The small parade I managed to organize with the Swiss Guards chanting “Yes, We Vatican!” and “Yes, We Vatican II!”

• The signs announcing my candidacy for “No-Vice President”

• The 30-second video spot depicting me making endearing goofs around the house with a voice-over saying, “Hey, nobody’s infallible all the time!”

• The 30-minute attack ad singling out Marc Ouellet as “TOTALLY FALLIBLE” and implying that he was only born a single time, not twice, as the office requires.

• The 30-second Latin radio spot that implied, without ever going out and saying it, that Timothy Dolan, once, in his reckless youth, experimented with demon possession, even though he claims he did not inhale.

• The other 30-second radio ad describing the time Peter Turkson forcibly administered a tonsure to a kid in high school who wasn’t asking for one, then drove off with his dog on the roof of the car.

• Various anonymous leaflets implying darkly that Cardinal Francis George is to blame for plagues of locusts.

• The Madonna concert shout-out

• The profanity in the Madonna concert shout-out.

• Any phone calls you might have gotten from someone claiming to be Saint Anthony saying, “Looking for the right pope? I think I’ve just FOUND him!” That was not Saint Anthony.


Cardinal “So Humble, You Won’t Believe He’s Not Divine” [Redacted]

P.S. Please disregard that signature. That was an old slogan.