The tour bus picks up at 8; if you want to see the Special Place in Hell For Women Who Don’t Help Other Women, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler can give you a guided tour. They’ve been stuck there ever since they got into that feud with Taylor Swift. On the way out, you can write something about how much you irrationally dislike Anne Hathaway in the guestbook.
The ritualized Burning of the Bras takes place at 4 p.m. ET.
Later in the day there’s going to be the Cutting of the Cake, which as a special treat this year has been baked in the shape of what an uncomfortably large percentage of male state legislators think a woman’s internal organs look like. (The magic rape-repelling cave of wonders might be hard to slice, so have patience!)
At 6 p.m. everyone will adjourn to the restrooms for our annual poop. (If you are a man reading this: Don’t worry! This is an in-joke we women have with each other. We never actually defecate.)
Later there’s a special signing by all the female comic book heroines who are not unnaturally proportioned and forced to pose in bizarre contortions. It will be a very short signing. Hawkeye might swing by.
At 7, we will have the ritual summoning of Christopher Hitchens’s ghost to be verbally insulted. At 7:30 there will be a detailed discussion of Michelle Obama’s bangs, followed by a discussion of whether this discussion was appropriate, followed by a half-hearted attempt to discuss Rand Paul’s hair just to prove that this kind of discussion is not reserved for female public figures, after which we will adjourn to the bar.
At 9 there will be 65,000 panels on Having It All. There are still tickets available!
All the events accept Sacagawea dollars, proudly.
Remember to mention that you’re a woman, and you can get a discount of anywhere from 5 to 42 percent off your paycheck compared with your male colleagues’, depending on what field you work in! Actually, this happens every day.
(There are actual events that you should check out, here.)