Wrong message. (Neil Gaiman/Titan Books) Wrong message. (Neil Gaiman/Titan Books)

Ah, D.C. Southern efficiency, Northern charm, MASSIVE SINKHOLES THAT ARISE OUT OF NOWHERE.

Yes, D.C. has a sinkhole now, in Adams Morgan.

I realize that this is not very large — only three to four feet deep, in fact, not twenty-five as we originally thought — and we should not panic, but because this is D.C. the words “should not panic” are not in my vocabulary. I’m going off to hyperventilate somewhere and buy a flat of Sinkhole Water. I am not sure whether to advise you to leave your house or to shelter in place. Sinkholes can strike anywhere, like Time or the conviction that your cell phone is ringing, even though you know you turned it off. Possibly the best thing to do is to leap constantly from one spot to the next so that the sinkhole sees you are not an easy target. I don’t know. That was also what I suggested to President Obama for working with Congress, and he went with this whole “charm offensive” thing instead.

It’s not that big, according to this photo posted by the City Paper’s Will Sommer, but it’s still imposing enough. It’s not the size of your sinkhole, as I like to say, it’s how many cows you can swallow if they stray too close to the edge.

Residents are telling the City Paper that they have seen it open before, but that doesn’t mean anything! Send the Federal Government to its Secret Hideaway Beneath the Earth! Release the Kraken! This is D.C.! It must be something!

Everyone panic!

Meanwhile, here’s a look at sinkholes around the world