They haven't deployed the holder to Romania yet. (Business Wire) They haven’t deployed the hands-free holder to Romania yet. (Business Wire)

Well done, America.

Tired of putting bacon on bacon, bacon on chocolate, and both bacon and chocolate in other places where they are least expected, Burger King has dared to go one step beyond.

In Puerto Rico, to thank members of its rewards program, Burger King has introduced exactly what we were missing: a hands-free Whopper (R) holder.

I don’t know how many times I’ve thought, “Man, I’d really like to eat this giant hamburger, but I wish I didn’t have to go to all the effort of holding it near my mouth to take bites out of it.” Well, Burger King has solved this problem. The video is great.

I guess it frees you up to go about your busy day, but I’m not sure what you can accomplish with an elaborate Whopper(R)-holding contraption strapped to your face that you could not accomplish before, except telegraph to the world your excessive laziness. No other accessory will do if you want to shout “The only thing interfering with my gluttony is my sloth!” This is the modern-day, high saturated-fat equivalent of those people who used to be employed by emperors to place grapes in their mouths. I see nowhere else to go from here, unless Burger King wants to deploy mother birds to pre-digest the burgers for you and fly them into your ravening maw.

Ah, innovation. This is what it looks like. Necessity used to be the mother of invention. But the combination of gluttony and sloth has also given us great gifts. We always disguise them with a veneer of efficiency. GoGurt is for people on the Go, not for people who find the effort of lifting a spoon an excessive price to pay for eating oddly colored yogurt. FunSize is just about having to make fewer trips to the grocery store. Hey, this was the original impulse behind the sandwich — the famous Earl couldn’t be bothered to get up from his card game to eat a hunk of meat, so shoved it between two slices of bread. Without him, there’d be no Whopper(R) not to hold. What won’t they think of next?