Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the Internet, it turns out Anthony Weiner was there all along, using the pseudonym Carlos Danger. He even had a Yahoo! mail address for the name. It’s like the worst possible conclusion to an episode of “Catfish.” Nothing ruins the mood like the thought that “Carlos Danger,” whose conversation otherwise remains squarely at the level of “sentiments you tattoo on your lower back” (“i’m deeply flawed” “you are a walking fantasy” “i make me insane”), might actually be the disgraced former congressman from New York.
It was bad enough in 2011. The scandal came out, everyone shouted “BANISH HIM!” in ringing tones, and it seemed over. He was going home to seek forgiveness and become a better man, and these shenanigans were at an end.
But now it turns out he’s been there all along, doing it again, even when he was supposedly In The Wilderness Rethinking His Life.
This cannot stand.
We just want to be able to go back to the Internet to exchange our customary lewd messages with strangers without having to worry that the person we’re talking to might secretly be Anthony Weiner. There is nothing less sexy than typing that you’re about to take a shower, and would someone like to join you, and then realizing that you’ve just invited disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner to join you in the fantasy shower.
Clearly, Weiner is not being square with us, and we need to counteract this.
Before you get too involved in your anonymous online communiques, here are some questions to work into your fantasy scenarios, just to make sure you don’t have hold of Anthony Weiner by mistake.
-Send him a picture of Anthony Weiner’s junk and ask if he finds it “intoxicating” and “clearly a good decision, whoever sent that.”
-You: “You know what I find really sexy? Judgment.”
-You: “Are you a naughty boy?”
Him: “Yes. Punish me.”
You: “Naughty like you kept sending lewd messages to a bunch of strange women on the Internet even when you lost your job, almost ruined your marriage, and basically ALL OF AMERICA asked you to stop
You: “Okay, I’m going to punish you by electing someone else mayor ;).”
You: “Please put your pants back on.”
-Him: “What are you wearing?”
You: “I’m wearing 30 layers of clothing! For each layer, I want you to describe a good reason someone should be elected mayor of a large city like New York, and it has to be an actual city policy-related reason, not ‘he’d be the best mayor because his junk is the most photogenic of junk’ or ‘he would cut the ribbons so well’ or ‘he just deserves it you know? Like it’s his time.’ I don’t know, stuff.”
-You: “Do you have a yahoo mail address?”
You: “Even if you’re not Anthony Weiner, this conversation is over.”
The thing that bothers me most about this whole Weiner redemption narrative is: redemption only works if you’re actually trying to change your behavior.