OH MY GOD, THEY’VE DONE IT, THEY’VE ACTUALLY DONE IT!
Chaos erupted in the streets. (Except among print-only subscribers, who were fine.) Middle-aged people wandered around Williamsburg with no clue what to think about it. Several tourists, not able to access the Times’ scathing take-down, wandered into Guy Fieri’s Times Square restaurant by mistake. Several young men and women, unable to access the Modern Love archives, formed horrible misalliances.
It was awful. A baffled, opinion-less mob began to form.
“PAUL KRUGMAN IS THINKING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS!” several people were screaming, blocking traffic. “I MEAN, I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD GUESS, BUT I CANNOT BE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE!”
In the frenzy, several people spilled their lattes on their skinny jeans. “Are these even still IN right now?” they inquired in a panic. “Where’s the video content?”
Several young men, unaware that Men Walk Around The City Without Their Shirts On, donned bonus layers of shirt in fits of confusion.
Some had already formed an island of calm amid the storm. “Thank God the Thomas Friedman Op-Ed generator is still working,” one woman pointed out. “There, at least, we have consistency.”
“And Nate Silver’s going to ESPN anyway, so — there’s a certain relief in that,” added another. She stared at the cronut she was eating, blinked several times and put it back down.
“What if this continues and we can’t access the wedding announcements until the DAY THEY APPEAR IN PRINT?” one man said. “THIS IS HORRIBLE! MY GOD, MY GOD.”
“Calm down,” another crowd member murmured, rubbing his back in soothing circles. “I have no access to Bits and I’m still holding up okay.” He frowned. “Scientifically, does this back-rubbing actually help soothe you?”
“I DON’T KNOW! NONE OF US HAS ANY WAY OF KNOWING!”
Several people rushed to coffee shops and purchased print copies of the newspaper, but they became baffled and disoriented when they were allowed to read the entire paper without a notice popping up in the lower corner of the screen to tell them they had reached their article limits. Soon the site-less refugees had created a makeshift system in which one would stare over your shoulder and cut you off when you neared 19 stories, but the overall experience left a lot to be desired.
Several Wall Street Journal subscribers walked by smugly waving their fully functional homepages in the refugees’ faces and murmuring, “We know what the news is at this very moment, the true, real news!,” but then again, this is what Wall Street Journal subscribers are like all the time.
The Times tweeted that the site would be up shortly and the failure was due to internal issues.
Also, hey there, kindly reader! The Post is a lovely paper, with lots of award-winning video content, available in print and online editions! Please stay here! It will make Mr. Bezos so happy!