Sunday night at the VMAs, Miley Cyrus performed her single “We Can’t Stop,” then twerked* with Robin Thicke,** leaving those Americans who had chosen the VMAs over “Breaking Bad” duly punished. As Rob Fee quipped on Twitter, “Watching the VMAs instead of Breaking Bad*** is like going to a steak house & saying ‘No thanks, I brought my own food.’ then eating a shoe.”
You can watch the video here, or instead, just have a teddy bear whisper its worst nightmare to you.
Viewers are still reeling. There were teddy bears, and The Artist Formerly Known As Hannah Montana was gyrating with them, and then Robin Thicke came out and she somehow obtained a large foam hand and — why? Just, why? Among possible explanations for the performance:
-Cyclops Teddy Bear sees into the heart of light, the silence. Cyclops Teddy Bear comprehends that the universe is vast, dark and largely indifferent to human suffering. Suns and civilizations swim into existence and then vanish into dust. Out of the despair of Cyclops Teddy Bear is born a nihilistic sprite who transforms this existential disappointment into dance and also crotch-grabs a lot.
-Miley Cyrus is a Sim and her creator just deleted the bathroom.
-Miley just became aware that she will someday die.
-Teddy bear is being justly punished for its cruelty to the protagonists of “Toy Story 3.”
-These teddy bears were all horrible criminals in a previous life.
-Miley is Taylor Swift’s id.
-Entire performance some kind of metaphor for something.
-Winnie the Pooh has escaped the Disney machine, is going through really weird midlife crisis.
-MTV trying to turn this generation off of sex as a concept by associating it with gyrating teddy bears.
-Disney has some kind of secret “Flowers For Algernon”-style program for its youth that forces all its stars to self-destruct upon hitting 18.
-Wasn’t that bad, actually.
*Am I using this right?
**Whoever invented the art of writing thousands of years ago is shuddering uncontrollably in his or her vintage sepulcher after seeing this sentence.
***To be completely honest I didn’t watch “Breaking Bad” either, but that’s okay because spoilers are my one joy in life.