Well, if there’s one thing people in the District are good at, it’s starting a campaign years in advance — and this time it’s to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. The non-profit DC 2024 has just announced that our city is throwing its hat into the ring.
This makes perfect sense. The District is the natural home for the Summer Olympics. Where better to stage a big spectacle in which people are feted as National Patriotic Heroes for doing totally useless things like running around in circles, shoving foreigners underwater or reversing positions very quickly, all while accepting large amounts of money from corporate sponsors? Where else should we allow people to spend a long time talking about their plans to run and then only stay in the race for 6 seconds before tripping over a hurdle?
Yes, it’ll be costly, but if we can agree on anything in this city, it is that we should spend billions of dollars at some point in the distant future after the election is over. Maybe it’ll bring congestion, but we love sitting in motionless traffic, at least judging by the amount of time we spend pursuing this hobby. And if you ask D.C. residents what the one thing is that this city needs more of in the summer, they invariably reply, “Tourists.”
As far as improving our image as a city, we have nowhere to go but up. The rest of the country may disagree about everything else, but they agree that the capital is a vile pit of scum and villainy, populated by hideous sluglike creatures who do not have the best interests of the populace at heart. We have nowhere to go but up. But if we stage the Games here, everyone will learn that the District is, as everyone from here always says, “Not that bad, RIGHT???” in a very nervous voice after you take your New York City friends to H Street.
Plus we need something to do in the slow summer months, other than start costly military conflicts from which it is difficult to extricate ourselves. Anthony Weiner did his part. Now it’s time for the Olympic Committee to do its.
Dan Snyder has already endorsed the idea, so it probably will fail in such a way as to make everyone maximally unhappy. But you can’t know until you try!
(Also check out the #dcolympicsports hashtag on Twitter!)