Bad news, everyone. We’ve been found out. After a 2010 survey conducted for the Association of American Colleges and Universities found that only one in four employers thought that colleges were doing an adequate job of preparing their graduates for the workforce, there’s a new test for recent graduates to see if they, well, learned anything.
Here, based on the giant gap between my actual life experience and the things I learned in college, is what I assume the test will be like.
1) Rank in order of increasing usefulness in your daily life the following:
II. the ability to open a beer bottle with something that is not a bottle opener.
III. the ability to shotgun an entire season of a TV show without blinking, a skill you honed during finals season.
IV. the ability to write a paper, which was supposed to take all semester, in fewer than four hours.
a) III, I, IV, II
b) I, III, II, IV
c) I, III, IV, II
d) IV, II, I, III
2) You have just gone to dinner with six people. The bill has arrived — $200. Dave ordered three specialty cocktails, but he’s only put in a twenty. Tina is offering to overpay, but Tina always overpays and you feel bad about it. How do you handle this?
a) Hide under the table until someone else settles it.
b) Shout, “NO I HAVE A TIP CALCULATOR ON MY PHONE, GUYS! GUYS I HAVE A TIP CALCULATOR ON MY PHONE! Here! Give it to me, I have a tip calculator on my phone!”
c) Ask that the server split the bill six ways, then flee the restaurant.
d) Kill Dave. Now the bill is easily divisible by five! Did Dave have any money on him? Leave it as a tip.
3) Someone from work starts talking to you in the restroom after you both settle in your respective stalls. How do you respond?
a) Oh god. I actually have no idea.
b) Seriously, I have no idea.
c) Why do people DO this?
d) Whistle the theme from Schindler’s List until she stops.
4) Where does food come from?
a) The cafeteria.
c) The microwave.
d) Food fairy.
e) You have to buy it in a store, consult a recipe and cook it, even when you’re exhausted after a long day of work and you just want to lie under a quilt and watch Breaking Bad. Unless you have cereal. You can always eat cereal.
5) Should you attend Trump University?
c) Yes, I need idiot certification for the field I’m trying to enter!
6) How many exclamation points do you need to put in an e-mail to a coworker so you don’t sound mysteriously angry and disappointed?
b. One per sentence!
c. Two per sentence, just to be safe!!
d. Eight per sentence!!!!!!!! Amphetamines are also a good idea!!!!!!!! Help I’m shaking uncontrollably!!!!!!!! I can’t feel my hands????!!!!?
7) How much can you drink at a work function?
b. Enough to be convivial, but not enough to start clapping people on the back and telling them about your dating experiences. This point is somewhere between one and three beers, but I really could not tell you where. You’ll know when you’ve passed it.
c. A drink or two; more if there’s karaoke.
d. Let’s find out!
8) You, Sheila, Marc and a cake are all going to the same party. Sheila and Marc had a bad breakup and don’t like to be around each other. Also, Sheila is sensitive, if not entirely allergic, to gluten. Marc was probably at fault in the breakup, though. What do you do?
a. Split a cab three ways. Sit in the front with the cake away from Sheila and Marc. Pretend you didn’t realize it was a problem for them to hang out.
b. Take a cab with Marc and the cake. Let Sheila get there on her own.
c. Walk with Sheila. Send Marc in a cab with the cake.
d. Take a cab by yourself with the cake. Forget Sheila and Marc. You clearly need new friends.
9) What is early in the morning?
a) 11 a.m., like my Tuesday seminar.
b) 11:30 a.m., like when I show up for my Tuesday seminar.
c) 9? 9 seems way early.
d) 6 a.m.
10) When does the weekend start?
a) Why-Not Wednesday.
b) Thirsty Thursday!!
d) Margarita Monday!
12) To succeed, must you wake up at all on Mondays?
1B, 2A, 3B, 4E, 5B, 6B, 7B, 8D, 9D, 10C, 12A