When confronted with Dennis Rodman’s new North Korean diplomacy-themed commercial for Wonderful Pistachios, the same company that gave us the Levi Johnston commercial for Wonderful Pistachios, one must face a number of serious questions.
1) How did I get on the Rodman beat?
2) Why does this exist?
3) Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something terrible. What was it? What wrong did we commit to bring this upon ourselves?
4) I don’t really like pistachios, even under the best of circumstances, and I’m not sure why Wonderful Pistachios thinks associating them with all my least favorite public figures will increase sales, but I guess they know something I don’t?
5) Have I really spent the past quarter century dedicating myself to the pursuit of truth, hope and literature (except for four years when I was busy learning object permanence and how to operate my limbs) to wind up in a position where I have to write about Rodman almost weekly? Is this really my cross to bear, or is it actually analogous to the position of everyone on earth right now, where Rodman has somehow become a geopolitical figure and all the people who have spent their lives studying the issues and acquiring knowledge are tearing out their hair and keening noisily?
6) Is there a point to all this? Not the ads, life. Life on this planet. Is the increasing visibility of Rodman someone’s way of telling us that we have been taking ourselves too seriously as a species?
7) Does this actually help sales? My idea of what would help sales is pretty much the opposite of this ad, so possibly an ad from Rodman saying, “I’m going to stay out of world politics. Have a pistachio!” But I guess they know something I don’t?