1. Groupons That, If Pieced Together To Form A Complete Image, Imply That You Are A Cheapskate Whose Life Is Not Going As Planned. (78% off Home Teeth Whitening! 75% off Thomas Kincade Paintings! 68% off Chocolate Walking Tours, You Lazy Person Who Won’t Do Anything That Contains The Word ‘Walking’ Unless It Also Contains The Word ‘Chocolate’! 77 Percent Off LipoLaser! (What even is this?) 76 Percent Off Laser Fat Reduction Treatments (Not to be confused with LipoLaser)! Get a Haircut! Get a Massage! Take Pictures Of Your Family! 96 Percent Off! Ahh, Forget It! Get In A Boat And Drink Something — Now 32% Of Original Price! These fall into two categories – ones I instantly delete and ones that I leave in the inbox, aspirationally, because hey maybe this Thursday I will come into money and can go sky-diving like the person in the attached photo.)
2. Notifications from Facebook.
3. INCREASINGLY MENACING MESSAGES FROM FACEBOOK, TUMBLR, TWITTER AND ANY SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORK DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY YOU HAVEN’T BEEN THERE IN A WHILE, BECAUSE EVERYONE IS HAVING SO MUCH FUN AND IT WOULD BE A SHAME TO MISS OUT ON SUCH FUN! DID YOU KNOW KELLY GOT MARRIED? WELL, YOU WOULDN’T, WOULD YOU?
4. Google+ Notifications That Reveal You Accidentally Selected The Wrong Privacy Setting And Some People You Were Dimly Acquainted With In College Are Seeing All The Pictures You Took Of That Weird Item In Your Bathroom Just For Future Reference To Prove You Weren’t Hallucinating
5. [Person Whom You Used To Respect Until They Asked You To Connect on LinkedIn, The Elephant Graveyard For Resumes] wants you to connect on LinkedIn.
6. E-mails You Haven’t Responded To Yet
7. E-mails You Are Going To Respond To So Soon, Like, Really Soon
8. One Or Two Weird E-mail Forwards That Made It Through The Shield
9. E-mails That You Have Marked Or Starred In Some Way To Remind Yourself To Respond To Them Thoughtfully And At Length, Because They Were Too Nice or Too Important For Hasty Single-Sentence Responses. (These e-mails are now several months old in most cases and buried under Groupons.)
10. E-mails From Shopping Web Sites Suggesting That What’s Wrong With Your Wardrobe Is That It Doesn’t Contain Enough Dry Clean-Only Items.
12. Ominous Sounding Notices From Bank Of America That Aren’t.
13. Ominous Sounding Notices From Bank of America That Are.
14. Cultural Events You Are Missing Out On
15. Personalized E-mails From Friends Describing Their Involvement In Cultural Events You Are Missing Out On
16. Oddly Formal-Sounding Notes From Family
17. Links From Friends To Things You Haven’t Actually Watched Or Read Yet
18. E-mails To Yourself Sent Late At Night In What You Assured Yourself Was Code That Would Be Instantly Transparent To You Later And Are Now Completely Baffling
19. Promotions from Crate and Barrel Urging You To Step Into The Tree Lot (Okay, I just have one of these, but now I’m overcome with curiosity about the Tree Lot.)
20. Notes From College Friends Alerting You That Someone You Both Disliked Liked, Or Had Mixed Feelings About Has Accomplished Something
21. E-mails Based On The Assumption That There Is A 10-Year-Old Boy In Your Household, Because Once You Bought Some Star Wars Sheets, But Actually Most Of These Products Seem Great So Maybe You Should Buy Them
22. Ah Did I Not Respond To That?
23. AHHHHHH DID I SEND THAT?
24. Accidental Reply-Alls