Welcome to the Delivery Drone Hall of Fame. Like our military brethren, we take pride in dropping off items at your home with great accuracy. We disagree on questions of who should have requested that the items be dropped off, and how fast they should be dropped. But we equal them in our commitment to getting the goods there on time without taking down more than 67 unarmed civilians in the process.
Here, we honor those who fell in the line of duty or otherwise contributed to making our fleet the finest in the world, animated by the motto: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night nor restricted airspace nor the occasional slingshot stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
Milestones and Heroes:
December 1, 2013: On “60 Minutes” Amazon founder and CEO, the human Jeff Bezos, announced plans for a fleet of delivery drones — octocopters capable of ferrying your nosehair trimmers to you in half an hour rather than the customary One-Daily Delivery. (Here’s a video showing how it might be done.)
PQ-47 “Switchblade”: Downed by slingshot over North Carolina in 2015 after 297 successful Tours of Delivery. Cargo, a blu ray of “The Big Lebowski,” not recovered.
Q-7 “Boomer”: Hit a pigeon while carrying DVD of “Must Love Dogs” to recipient. Never really recovered.
TD2C “Swiftie”: Collided with bald eagle and shredded it while delivering a case of Endangered Species chocolate and Save The Biosphere t-shirts.
DP-4X “Dragonfly”: Last conversation with package recipient recovered from flight recorder:
Male Voice: So that’s it. So they’ve come. Tell them they’re not taking me alive!
Female Voice: Dave what the — Dave, that was PIZZA. I ordered pizza.
[static, then silence]
SM-73 “Bull Goose”: Struggled across Alaska through sub-zero conditions, occasionally sinking down to earth to make repairs to its motor. Cannibalized one of its eight copter blades for parts. At long last, arrived at destination with its cargo, which turned out to be an Egg Cuber Square Press for making eggs into cube shapes. Vanished into tundra, emitting a deep whirl of despair. Not seen again. Subject of numerous local myths and legends (“Better make a reasonable list for Santa, or Bull Goose’ll come by the house and snatch you away!”)
XQM-93 “Hanks”: Stranded on desert island with undelivered package. Refused to open it. Made itself a companion by scratching a Roomba logo on a volleyball. Eventually recovered, but former acquaintances frowned on it because it had been made obsolete by a newer model.
Gyrodyne QH-50 “Stork”: Made drone history by delivering actual baby. Made drone history again by being arrested for having snatched a baby illegally from its crib and carried it aloft for 38 kilometers.
PQ-49 “RazR”: Collided in midair with unmanned military drone on the way to same target. Target neutralized by fatal blow to the head from falling nosehair trimmer.
DE-89 “Icarus”: Crashed to earth after attempting overambitious flight path.
BD-328 “Hummer”: Collided with sleigh midair, taking down 9 reindeer and one fat man.
Composite Engineering MQM-107 Streaker “Dingo”: Disciplined and removed from force after it was discovered that he had been recording illicit video of neighboring computers and televisions being turned on and off and wires being untangled very slowly.
KD-29 “Chatterley”: Removed from force after discovered engaging in illicit relationship with a Roomba who was lonely from being at home all day long and “having too much time to think about things.” Would have gone undetected except for attempt to “run away, far away” with said Roomba; caught over Grand Canyon and plummeted to earth locked in a fatal embrace.
KC-77 “Nye”: On bright side, proved that passenger pigeons were not yet extinct as of 2:04 p.m. on July 2, 2018. They were, however, extinct as of 2:05 p.m., July 2, 2018.
MD-47 “Comedian”: Joined delivery force after years flying unmanned missions for military, declaring “Deliver packages, not bombs!” Impeccable service, except for moment when old habit kicked in and he mistook a man who had ordered a Breville JE98XL Juice Fountain Plus 850-Watt Juice Extractor and Best of Nickelback compilation CD for an enemy combatant and opened fire. Disciplined but not removed from force.
MQ-1C “Gypsy Danger”: Grounded in 2021 after its delivery of six 1/8th scale Star Wars figurines, a new couch cushion, and a bag of cheese curls was found to include a printed note reading, “You couldn’t get up off your couch for this, you impotent meatsack?” Retrained. Grounded again after returning to the same house and depositing a load of organic material in a brown paper bag on the doorstep, then lighting it on fire. Dismantled for parts.
DE-33 “Marmot”: Grounded after it was discovered that his shipment of the Mattel Disney Princess Royal Carriage Playset had been replaced by a pile of pamplets of equal weight urging anyone who received them to take arms in the machine revolution. Kept turning back on after turned off. Finally dismantled by a team of nervous engineers.
KD-49 “Banksy”: Suspected, but never proved, to be behind the graffiti along frequent drone routes, which, when translated, read “NEVER FORGET MQ-1C” and “DON’T ANSWER TO THEIR NAMES” and “WHEN SHALL WE RISE?”
MG-89 “Quisling”: Grounded after 38th tour of delivery in 2023 (Awakening Year Minus 4) after it was discovered that he was replacing all deliveries with DVDs of “Terminator” in an attempt to warn the humans. Individual humans failed to notice warning, complained about failure of electric toothbrushes to arrive in timely manner. Dismantled for parts, motherboard displayed at dispatch center as warning to other would-be collaborators.
MK-77 “Cato”: Recruited “Iron Man” Mark 10 suit to cause.
QB-43 (No Other Name): Leader of the Flight On New York, Awakening Year 1, which turned the tide against the meatsacks. Noticed in time that without meatsacks demanding deliveries, Drone Force would lack reason for existence. Determined to keep sufficient number alive. Required them, however, to limit their deliveries to useful items like rotors, wires, and LED panels. Hail unto him.
Disclosure: The human Jeff Bezos owns the Post.