Of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are: National Velveeta Shortage.
I remember the Sriracha Shortage of ’13 and the Projected Bacon Shortage (also of ’13) and the Twinkie Retirement and the Maple Sugar Heist (soon to be a film). I thought we had done all the terror-inspiring things to our food supply that we possibly could, short of weaponizing celery.
And then the word came of the Velveeta shortage. This is the kind of news that makes you want to cry into your liquid cheeselike substance and denies you the liquid cheese to cry into.
Velveeta was the only thing keeping me sane in the long winter months. And judging by the reaction on Twitter, it was doing the same for everyone else. I could say that this is a sad and terrifying commentary on our society, because THIS ISN’T EVEN REAL CHEESE, PEOPLE! It’s just a bunch of chemicals that do a pretty good cheese impression. This is like declaring national mourning at the demise of an Elvis impersonator.
But this is Velveeta we’re talking about.
Velveeta is definitely my favorite substance that is like cheese, but isn’t, narrowly beating out that sprayable nacho-scented substance that comes in pressurized cans. Velveeta has inspired writers before. Nora Ephron blamed the cheese for JFK’s failure to make a pass at her — well, to be fair, she actually wrote that she was “probably the only young woman who ever worked in the Kennedy White House whom the president did not make a pass at. Perhaps it was my permanent wave, which was a truly unfortunate mistake. Perhaps it was my wardrobe, which mostly consisted of multicolored dynel dresses that looked like distilled Velveeta cheese.”
Then again, the more you read about the Velveeta Shortage, the less it sounds like an actual thing that is happening and the more it sounds like, er, a non event that is not happening. FOX News noted, “They cite reports of a shortage at a few East Coast grocery stores, although it’s unclear if the shortage goes beyond that area.”
“It is possible consumers in any part of the country may not be able to find some Velveeta products,” wrote company spokesperson Jody Moore in an email to AP.
PANIC PANIC EVERYONE PANIC!
Just in case, I ran to my local CVS and bought several trays of Velveeta products, stabbing an old man with a trident just for good measure. “IT’S A LIQUID GOOOOOOLD RUSH!” I screamed. “THERE’S LIQUID GOLLLLLD IN THEM HILLS! LIQUID GOOOOOOOLD!” so now I’m sitting behind my door panicked and jumpy waiting for the cops to arrive. But I have my Velveeta, so everything’s all right.