(Kohl’s/Kohl’s) All I wanted was a toy!

“I’m lovin’ it.”


A Pittsburgh McDonald’s employee has been selling heroin in happy meals.

According to the Associated Press: “Officers say customers looking for heroin were told to go through the drive-thru and say ‘I’d like to order a toy.’ The customer would then be told to drive to a window, where they’d hand over their money and get a Happy Meal box containing heroin in exchange.”

This is the coded request? This seems suspiciously close to the actual order.

Speaking as an adult who sometimes requests Happy Meal toys without shame (you never know when you could use a plastic monkey?) this whole story terrifies me.

I can see this conversation going very badly for someone who shared my proclivities.

Customer: Hi there! I’d like a Happy Meal.
Employee: Okay.
Customer: Be sure there’s a toy in there!
Employee: (significantly) There will be.
Customer: (not getting it) Oh, wonderful!
Employee: Here you go.
Customer: (glancing into bag) Hey, so sorry to bug you, but is there a toy in here?
Employee: (significantly) Yes, there’s a toy.
Customer: (pulls out bag) And what’s in this bag? Is this a condiment?
Employee: (whispering) PLEASE, KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN!
Customer: (squinting at it) Is this for the burger?
Customer: Huh? Okay! But… my monkey.

Somewhere there’s a guy in his mom’s basement with a disappointingly small collection of Adventure Time figurines who wonders why the McDonalds lady kept giving him extra salt, instead of a toy, as he’d requested.

Then again, you should have seen what they got when they said “super-size me.”