CNN announced Sunday that Piers Morgan will be leaving the air, after three years of Appearing in Larry King’s 9 PM Slot But Failing To Be Larry King. Never having been Larry King in his life, it was a hard adjustment to make. Instead, he was Piers Morgan, which viewers seemed to find unacceptable.
But all is not lost. Here are a few possible replacements:
10) Security camera footage of interview guests wandering around lost inside a Pier 1 Imports.
9) Three-eyed raven with strong feelings about Jodi Arias.
8) Cruise ship overflowing with sewage. On weekends when the cruise ship can’t make it, a car chase can host.
7) Sharon Osborne. Pro: Fellow “America’s Got Talent” judge. British accent! Basically identical resume! Con: Basically identical resume to Piers Morgan.
6) Mop handle, just to serve as a test case for ratings. Bring back the same guests. Keep replacing the mop handle with weirder objects until you score a ratings win. Imagine the headlines: “Tonight, Rachel Maddow narrowly won her time slot against a lifelike Abraham Lincoln head staring towards, but never directly into, the camera, interviewing Mayor DiBlasio.” We could live off of these for years.
5) Jeff Dunham’s hands without puppets on them, but with him still doing the voices.
4) Hologram of Wolf Blitzer.
3) Live-action TV show featuring a troubled male anti-hero slowly traipsing down the dark path of his own destruction.
2) This creepy giant bear from the Sochi closing ceremonies.
1) Jay Leno’s free!